Sunday, 16 July 2017

part 20 :Loves Me Loves Me Not

She goes to her home n starts thinking about how to express her love to armaan)
Ridz:[wat should i say?? shall i say "armaan, u r more than a friend"..hmm..or..."armaan, u r very special for me"..nah!! that doesnt say my feeling clearly...then wat to do..wat to do...yess..i'll just say "armaan, i love you"...simple n straight...kaam khatam..phir woh kya karega? kya bolega?? hasega tho?? shittt!!! i can so imagine him laughing like a maniac!!! gosh!! i've never ever thought that i would propose to a guy..uff, saying all this stuff..hey bhagwan, kya din dikha rahe ho mujhe??!! jo bhi, better than living in this confusion...cant take it anymore...relax ridzy ur food n sleep...u have a big task to do tomorrow...its gonna be a very important day]

Next day:
(ridhima gets ready n goes to college praying that everything goes well today...she has to meet him alone..being the monitor, she finds herself busy between the classes and armaan is never alone when she gets time..she hesitantly types an sms "meet me after the college")
Ridz: [should i do this now?...shall i wait for some more days? ab kuch mat soch ridzy, just do it!!!]
(presses the send button n gives a long sigh)

Break time:
(Anjali, sapna, rahul n muskaan r in the canteen...atul n armaan walk in...anji gets up as soon as they come in)
Anji: i will see u guys later
Sapna: ey, kya hua??
Anji: i...i need to go..remembered something
Rahul: ya, have coffee n go
Anji: no, u carry on
(she walks off leaving everyone confused..staring in her direction)
Muski: suddenly isko kya hua yaar?
("i love her" came a voice..everyone turned towards its source..surprised)
Atul: (staring into space) i love anjali
(all say "kyaa??"..unitedly)
Atul: yes, i love her a lot...and i confessed my feelings to her
(all r dumstruck)
Atul: but she...she refused (trying hard to stop his tears)
Sapna: atul, ye tum kya bol rahe sab.. i mean...kabse?
Atul: i donno when i fell for her...all i know is i love her...i love everything about her..her attitude, her confidence, her innocence behind the arrogance
Armi: atul (holding his head n looking down) i told u not to propose, y dint u listen to me
Muski: tum jaante the??
Armi: haan...n i knew that her response will be negative...thats y i told him not to hurry..but he(sighs)
Atul: but the way she speaks to me, looks at me..i thought she loves me too..i was very confident but i was wrong..she doesnt love me(hiding his face in hands)
(muskaan n rahul hold his shoulders..armaan gets up furiously)
Armi: (running his fingers through his hair) LOVE..utter nonsense..the most stupid thing to do in this world is to fall in many ever times i say, that it just leaves u hurt n helpless at the one listens to me..ab dekh kya hua
(ridz is feeling a lump in her throat..hearing armaan's words..her heart is sinking...staring at armaan with a blank face)
Sapna: armaan!!
(armaan looks at sapna and sighs heavily)
Rahul: wat did she say atul?
Atul: she said she never thought abt me that way...n she is actually hurt that i feel like that for her.. she said we cant be friends now...i've hurt her rahul..i've hurt her (voice breaking at the end)
Muski: atul...calm down...she will understand...she needs some time
Atul: i can bear if she doesnt love me back, but she is upset bcoz of my behavior..i cant see her, she is avoiding me..i m nothing now..not even a friend..i lost her, forever
(everyone is looking at him..worried...with concerned faces)
Sapna: atul, i will talk to her..dont worry
Atul: it wont be of any use...she hates me now
(ridz is unable to say even a word to console atul..just staring at him)
Sapna: atul, let me try..let me find out wat she is thinking
Muski: haan yaar, dont worry
Rahul: lets go now
(Ridz is just rooted in the spot...speechless...thoughts bombarding her mind)
Ridz: [armaan thinks the same about love?? it is still a nonsense for him?? wat was he doing with me then?? it wasnt love?? he doesnt love me??!! was it all my imagination??]
Muski: ridz, chalo...break time is over
Ridz: haaan?? ya ya
(they go into the class..ridz is not able to hear anything...armaan's words replaying in her mind...she is just staring at the board..she feels a hand nudging her..comes out of her thoughts)
Sapna: ridhima..kya hua..kab se bula rahi hoon
Ridz: haan?? kuch nahi..woh atul
Sapna: i know, i will talk to anji, u be with me ok
Ridz: ok
(the college is over..they ask anji to wait)
Anji: hey..wats up gals
Sap: anji, we wanted to talk to u...abt atul(she says atul's name hesitantly)
(the smile disappears from anji's face)
Anji:, he told u
Sap: yes
(silence for a few seconds)
Anji: so?
Sap: y r u avoiding him?
Anji: i donno sapna, i never thought abt him like that..
Sap: we r not telling u to love him but u can be friends right?
Anji: i cant that i know his is awkward to continue being friends.. when we were friends, whenever he saw me, touched me, he had something else on his mind..his intentions were different...that thought upsets me
Sap: that is love anji, u r talking as if it was lust
Anji: i donno wat it was...but i cant be normal with him now..its very disturbing
Ridz: Anji, he loves u yaar, even if u dont love him, atleast dont hurt him like this, he is very sad
Sap: haan yaar...soch na
Anji: i cant
Ridz: dont be so hard hearted anji
Anji: even i m hurt yaar..i like him too as a friend...i m not happy with wat i m doing but being casual is tougher for me..n if i go back, he will think its love again, he wont come out of it
Sap: (sighs) i think u need time...u r too disturbed right now
Anji: hmm (looking upset)
Ridz: anji, r u ok?
Anji: ya, i m fine now
(they disperse..ridz n sapna on their way home..ridz is lost in thoughts...abt atul, anji, armaan n her)
Sap: still thinking abt atul n anji?
Ridz: hmm?? ya
Sap: this friendship n love matters r sensitive yaar..n also confusing...if both of them feel the same its good..but if its one sided, things get complicated
Ridz: hmm
Sap: na pyaar rahega na dosti
(ridz is applying sapna's words to her..her heart is getting heavy...tears rushing in her eyes)
Sap: hey, y r u crying..they will be fine
(ridz wipes her tears n gives a fake smile)
Sap: tu bhi na, kitni delicate hain..cheer up
(ridz goes home..walks fast into her room..unable to control her emotions...she doesnt want anyone to see her in that state..goes into her room n shuts the door..slumps on her bed..staring into air...the day's events flashing before her moist eyes)
Ridz: [armaan said, "love, utter nonsense, the most stupid thing to do"..that means he doesnt love me.. it was only me who did that stupid thing...he was just being a friend...nothing more than that..his looks, his actions, his words...none of them was out of was all my imagination..i misunderstood his atul misunderstood anji...i was wrong..i was so wrong..he was always like that..he always said he wont dig his own grave..but the way he behaved with me, whenever he came close to me, the feeling i saw in his eyes..wat was wasnt love...he was just flirting, n didnt i know from day one that he was flirtatious?!! was my mistake to think it was love..not just a mistake, biggest mistake of my did i never realise the reality?]
(she remembers every incident n finds new answers for all her questions)
Ridz:[his every action was his gesture of friendship..his care, his encouragement, everything..he treats me as a very good friend..more than others, thats y he took me to his house...helped me in everything...i twisted it to my convenience..i was so happy in my own illusionary world]
(she is angry with herself..tears running down her cheeks..cursing herself)
Ridz:[why? why did i lose my heart? i was so much in control of myself..i tested my feelings so many days before arriving at that decision..but, the fact is all that testing was in vain, i was already in love by then..i donno when it started..i just wasnt ready to accept it...and all the while it was abt me..i dint think from his side? yes i did but my thoughts were wrong...wasnt i always confused abt his feelings...just one day, i saw him in pain and i gave up..i fell weak on just one day n it all changed..why o why, why did i go so deep..why dint i think abt this day, the day i would know the truth, it cud have been good or bad, y wasnt i prepared to face it..i just assumed that he loves me..that was false, HE DOESNT LOVE ME..he doesnt]
(her tears gave way to sobs..burying her face in the pillow she cried...heart is pounding with pain..when she is losing her breath, she stopped, got up to wash her face..came out of the bathroom n saw a missed call from armaan...tears forming again as she looked at the mobile..its started ringing again..her hands r shivering)
Ridz:[i cant talk to him now, let it ring]
(ring stopped n she got an sms..from armaan.."hey, y r u not answering? where did u disappear, u told me to meet after the college right?"...she remembers the sms she sent in the morning)
Ridz:[i donno wat to tell u armaan..i thought i will tell u that i love u but after wat i heard n saw today, i dare not to do that..if u start hating me like anji did..n avoid me..i cant bear it...i cant afford to lose our friendship..its precious...he has helped me in so many ways, he always took care of me...i wont let this relation go bcoz of my stupid feelings, yes armaan u r right, love is only leaves u hurt n helpless at the end..i am an example for that..but i will never let u know wat a moron i am..u will never know that i fell in love with you]
(she thinks of a reply n types the message "nothing imp yaar, jus wanted to ask u if i need to do anything about the trip...any monitorgiri left?"..reads n re-reads it to check if its casual..sends it n sighs..wondering how she could think of an excuse even in this state)
Ridz:[only if i could use my brain before falling for him...hmmfff, i m thinking as if love takes ur permission..i m such an idiot..i need to distract myself from all this]
(just then she gets the reply to her message "oh ok, nothing more to do abt the trip..good chasmish, learning the ways fast...keep it up"..her eyes r watery again on reading it)
Ridz: [u'll never get to understand my actual feelings armaan, never]
(padma calls her..wipes her tears..looks in the mirror to make sure she is looking fine n goes out)
Padma: wat were u doing, went into ur room directly?
Ridz:(setting her tone) nothing ma
Padma: y r u looking so dull...eyes r red
Ridz: hmm..mild headache[actually, ma..its not head, its the heart thats aching]
Padma: ohhh (comes near her n starts combing her hair with fingers) u want tea??
Ridz: (getting emotional but trying to sound normal) no ma, i will just sleep early
Padma: ok
(ridhima switches on the tv..stares at it for some time...eats dinner silently n goes back to her room..with a heavy heart she looks at pintu..the whole shirt scenario replays in her mind)
Ridz: [i made pintu my armaan till i get a real one, but now i know i m not going to get him ever..pintu, u r pintu from today not armaan, u r free]
(she undresses him n holds the shirt in her hands...a new wave of grief hitting her hard..she kisses it n cries holding it rings.."keerti calling")
Ridz:[SHITT!! y does the whole world call me only when i m crying??!! oh no, now she will ask me if i told armaan abt my love..i dint say keerti n i wont..better leave it unanswered, if she hears my voice, she will know my mood]
(landline is ringing..she knows its keerti..hears her mom saying "i'll see if she is awake"..quickly gets into bed n pretends sleep..padma comes in goes out...relieved and tired...she goes to sleep crying)

Next day:
(she takes his shirt while going to college)
Ridz:[good, atleast he will be my friend, i can talk to him n see him everyday]
(but the moment she sees him, all her love comes rushing back into her heart..he smiles n goes to his place...attendance time..ridz is waiting to hear armaan's voice..waiting for his roll number...she closes her eyes.."yes sir"..came the deep voice..she cant hear any noise..just his voice replaying..eyes getting moist again)
Muski: ridzy, kya hua, itna udaas kyu hain
Ridz: nahi tho
Muski: wats wrong with ur voice
Ridz: flu i think
Muski: oh, ok
(lunch break..she takes the shirt n walks near him)
Armi: hey ridz
(looks at him...unable to speak...voice buried in her heart)
Armi: (waving his fingers infront of her eyes) helloooo, chasmish r u ok?
Ridz: (smiles weakly) ye lo, tumhara shirt
(surprised n confused..he looks at it)
Armi: tabiyat tho teekh hain na tumhari? (touching her forehead)
Ridz: ya, y [dont touch me armaan, i cant bear it]
Armi: u r giving back my shirt..i knew it was safe but i thought u'll never return it...and u r looking so lost..wat happened?
Ridz: nothing..i m fine
(she immediately turns n goes to her place)
Ridz: [he is so unaffected..ofcourse, bcoz he doesnt know anything]
(computer lab practise session after lunch...ridz is feeling hard to sit there..agitated...with armaan sitting just few chairs away from her..getting irritated with her own feelings n thoughts...restlessly, she hits the keyboard hard)
Armi: yoo chasmish!! r u planning to break it?? u'll have to pay fine to the college(laughs)
Ridz: (fake smile) no, was just struck at something at an error
Armi: wat is it?
(he comes close to her n leaning over her..moves his hand towards the mouse..touching her hand..ridz is unable to bear this proximity..with her heart racing n tears ready to spill from her eyes)
Ridz:[armaan,i feel like hugging you tightly n pouring my heart out..tell u all those emotions that r troubling me..but]
(with the fear of breaking down...she suddenly gets up n moves out of the lab..goes into washroom, washes her face n comes out)
Ridz: [i cant stay here anymore..will go home]
(goes towards the lab n sees armaan standing outside...with a worried face..probably waiting for her)
Armi: ey, kya hua?
Ridz: (avoiding eye contact) nothing, i m going home
Armi: why??
Ridz: my head is aching (picking her bag from locker)
Armi: ridhima, wait (stops holding her wrist) shall i take u to a doctor?
Ridz: (looking at him finally) no armaan, i will be fine [dont be so caring armaan, dont make it hard for me..i have to get over all this..dont look at me with so much are stirring up all the emotions again...and why the hell r my tears coming back...ridz, move out fast before he notices them]
Ridz: bye
Armi: (in a low voice) bye

At home:
(she dint stop crying from the moment she stepped in)
Ridz:[WHY GOD?? why?? y did u make me fall in love with him...its so painful!! i've never cried so much in my life..y didnt u make him love me?? y is he so nice.. how do i forget him now?? will i be able to forget him ever in my first love..wat will i do when the college is over..when i cant see him everyday...he will move on with his life..wat abt me? will i be able to love anyone again? love so deeply?? this is y i was so careful abt love...but my fate!!]
(cries for a long time..with all the emotional toil she has been from 2days..she falls asleep..only to be woken up by her mobile ring..gets up and sees that room is dark...switches on the light and looks at the clock...11pm..gropes for the mobile in her bag and takes it out...."Armaan calling")

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