Saturday, 16 September 2017

PART 4 : Truly Madly Deeply


They reached the hotel booked for them.Conference was held in the same hotel.Arman without saying anything left for his room with out even sparing a look at ridhima.She felt bad,but followed him in silence.The conference would start tommorow.She decided to unpack her suitcase.He meanwhile thought about her.He knew his behaviour hurted her.But it wasnt easy for him either.He knew sidhant's attitude.He didnt want any trouble for his basket.He tried to divert his thoughts away from her.Suddenly his cell ringed.
"hello arman?
"yes..who is this?
"its me heena."
"oh"

"what oh?you dont want me to call?"
"well...i know you enough to tell that it wont be good for me..."he smiled.
"guessed right........had you're medicine?
shit arman.........now oyu're gone...better keep the phone away from you're ears...actually its no use.
"uhmmm....heena........i.........."suddenly he kept the phone away from his ears.still he could hear her shouting.
"I KNEW IT.HOW CARELESS YOU CAN BE  ARMAN?NO FOOD.NO MEDICINE...YOU ARE THE WORST PATIENT I'VE SEEN...CARELESS...WHAT YOU THINK OF YOURE SELF HA?DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU TO HAVE YOU'RE MEDICINE AND FOOD EVERY TIME....blah blah.....it continued like this.He didnt even got a chance to utter a single word...she was going on an on..........doesnt she have to breathe?he wondered.Keeping the phone on speaker phone he opened his bag and had his medicine.She was still scolding him!!!!
After some 15 minutes he could feel her calming down he called softly..
"heena?i had my medicine..."
Silence followed.
"you there?he asked.
"when"she was still angry.
"while you were having you're scolding session.
can i ask you something?"
"what?
"do you breathe?coz apart from muskan youre the first one i came across,who could go on and on like that..."
"shut up arman....dont try to be smart"
"i dont have to.coz i am"
He said.And  he was regretting the moment it came out of his mouth.He remembered saying this to someone else.Someone whose memory always left his heart in broken pieces.His silence alerted heena.
"arman you der?
silence
"arman?
"han..ya heena kya hai?kyun chilla rahe ho?
"mein chilla raho?mein?forget it.tumhare kuch nahi ho sakhta..."
"anything else heena?
There was a knock on the door and he went to open the door to find ridhima standing there.He excused hiimself and told hena that he'll talk to her later.this didnt go unnoticed by ridhima.She felt bad.She scolded herself that she had  no right to feel that way.
"any problem DR.Modi?"he asked.
DR.modi?his indifference was beyond her tolerence.She was hurt.
"i want to ask you if you had you're medicines.."
"i did and good night"saying so he closed his door.He knew his actions hurted her.But was for her  own good.He needed to stay away from her.
ridhima felt like he slapped her.But she wasnt angry with him.She knew it was better for her to stay away from him.She allowed the tears which were brimming in her eyes to fall down.She left for her room.
The next day conference started.She noticed the way arman tried to avoid her in every way possible.He spoke to her in monosylabelles,that too when it was absolutely necessary.She spent her time looking at him and thinking about their past.How he used to care for her,how he wanted to be with her every time,his pranks,his gifts,their fights,how he tried to patch up thinks when it get out of hand.She missed him.his smiles,his dimples.How she wished to be with him?But as always she reminded her self that it was her  decision that made all the difference.She could have stayed with him,but only because sid was there for her in a difficult situation,she choose sid and a loveless marriage.What she forgot was that it was sid himself who created all the problems.He made a mess and had to be responsible for once.
Though arman made ridhima feel that he doesnt care,he was hurting inside.He was reminded for their trips earlier.He was still in love with him.He truly,madly deeply loved her and that was a big problem now.He was still stuck with her even though he didnt let her know.He cared for her.He was feeling bad for closing the door on her face.But he didnt have any other way.If he was friendly with her he will loose himself and will let his feelings out which he didnt want at any cost.He knew that ridhima wanted her marriage relation to work.So it was better this way.He will behave as if he hate her for leaving him.He can love his old basket in his dreams.He had his memories.He was glad that atleast no one can take that away from him.Then he remembered that,it was already been taken from him once.But the treatment he recieved helped him get his normal life back,along with his memories.He remembered how he want to share this with her,he wanted to tell her that he had got his memoriess back.But she didnt even care to talk with him.She was busy yelling at him for coming back....for her.Him coming back to normal wasnt the big deal any more.He leaving her alone was.She blasted him for taking the decisions in her life.She forgot that he didnt have a life separated from her.He sighed and tried to drive his thoughts away from her.
                                         Day passed without any  significant events.Arman was skipping meals again..But he made sure that ridhima did have her meals.He made sure that she will not find out that he still cared for her. He had lost his apetite.When he did eat it was very little.He felt weak so he decided to hit the bed early.It was a three day conference.Sid called ridhima.He was anxious to know every detail of their journey.She was tired.But she knew about sid's fears too.Afterall she was with arman,her first love and his worst enemy.Sid considered arman as his contendor which was absurd as arman has respected ridhima in her choice.Ridhima knew all this,but she put upwith all this for the sake of their marriage.The next day,they presented their presentation.Thier work was appreciated.
In the evening ridhima was going through her case studies.Arman was lost in his world.He hardly left his room.Even though he had rudely behaved with her,she came to call him for dinner.She found him in the couch holding his head.He was feeling sick.Ridhima was scared.She asked"what's wrong arman?are you alright?"
"im fine..what you want?"
"i dont think you are fine...you dont look fine....have had you're medicines arman?she asked even though she knew the answer.One look at him and any one could tell that he needs help.
H slowly raised his head and said"im fine...i dont feel like having dinner.I hope i made my self clear.He said when he saw her still standing there.
"Arman......"
"Please leave ridhima........dont make it difficult for me........plz leave"
"I cant....not like this......."
"why do you care........?i dont want any one with me...........LEAVE"His last words came as a shout.
She was stubborn too.She had enough.This was it.She will not stand this anymore.
"No i wont.Not untill you have some food and medicine.Arman you're still my........she stopped. my.......my friend....i care for you....you know that too..."
"Friend?he left out sarcastic laugh."thats new and convinient..ridhima we can never be friends .so dont even try....."
"why are you doing this to me arman?why?
"you're asking me why?oh my god ridhima......."
She was angry with him for leaving her.If he had stayed with her none of this would have happened.He decided to leave on his own.Now he was behaving like this.
"Arman jo kuch bi hua usme mein tumhara hath sab se zyada tha...you decided to leave me...i didnt leave you alone to die!!!
"RIDHIMA!!!!!
She tore open a wound which never healed.
"YOU THINK IT WAS EASY DONT YOU...YOU THINK I DECIDED TO LEAVE JUST LIKE THAT....DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH ?HOW MUCH IT HURT ME TO LEAVE YOU?I HAD  NO ONE...NO ONE BY MY SIDE...WHEN I LEARNED ABOUT MY CONDITION,FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MY MIND WAS YOU...HOW CAN YOU  HANDLE?WILL YOU BE ABLE TO PULL THROUGH?I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU EVEN BEFORE ME...I KNEW EVENTUALY I WILL LOOSE MY MIND.......IN MY CONDITION WHAT IF I HURT YOU....WHAT IF I GOT VIOLENT AND HURT YOU...I THOUGHT THAT IM DESTROYING YOU'RE FUTURE.............I DONT WANT YOU TO END BEING THE WIFE OF A MAD MAN....WHO CANT RECOGNISE YOU...WHO CANT DO ANYTHING FOR HIS WIFE..WHO WILL  BE NOTHING BUT A BURDEN TO YOU...YOU WOULD HAVE TO SPENT TAKING CARE OF ME...YOU HAD A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD.......MINE WAS SETTLED...TO END UP IN CORNER OF AN ASYLUM...........ALL MY FUTURE HELD OUT WAS A PROMISE  OF TREATMENTS....
AGAR MEIN PHIR SE TUMHE BHOOLGAYA YA TOH KYA TUM SEH PATI....?
Tears were flowing down his face...his every word caused both of them pain.The pain he had hidden in his broken heart was coming out,infuriated by her accusions.She stood there motionless.Him loosing his control like this startled her.He continued.
THEN THERE WAS YOU'RE FAMILY..WOULD ANY FATHER WANT HIS DAUGHTER TO MARRY A FUTURE MAD MAN?WOULD ANY PARENTS WANT THEIR DAUGHTER TO END UP TAKING CARE AFTER AN INSANE PERSON.....THEY COULDNT STAND AND WATCH YOU RUIN YOU'RE LIFE........I KNOW THEY WOULDNT HAVE SAID ANYTHING....BUT I KNEW...AT THE TIME THERE WAS NO PROMISE OF A CURE..ALL I COULD DO WAS LEAVE..
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH STRENGH IT TOOK TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THAT?I CRIED MY HEART OUT.......I COULDNT BREATHE...I FELT SUFFOCATED THAT I MAY NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN...........I FEEL LIKE DIENG A HUNDRED DEATHS...........FOR ME STAYING AWAY FROM YOU WAS DEATH..........MY END.........I KNEW I WAS LEAVING MY HEART AND SOUL BEHIND...I LEFT SOMEHOW...I STILL DONT KNOW HOW I MANAGED...THEN I GOT ADMITTED TO PANCHAGANI..I WAS NO MORE DR.ARMAN.I WAS A MENTAL PATIENT..DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE TREATED AS A MENATL PATIENT?IT HURTS ......BADLY........DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO SLOWLY LOOSE YOU'RE SANITY...... TO WATCH YOU'RE LIFE SLIPPING AWAY FROM YOU'RE AND HANDS AND YOU COULDNT DO ANYTHING TO SAVE YOURE SELF...............YOU'RE DREAMS SHATTERED.........TO SEE YOU'RE HOPES DIED........EVERY MOMENT I SPENT AWAY FROM YOU WAS TORTURE.....IT WASNT AIR I WAS BREATHING.....IT WASNT FOOD I WAS HAVING.....WITHOUT YOU EVERTHING WAS WRONG........EVERYTHING!!!I SPENT THE NIGHT THINKING ABOUT WHAT I DID WRONG TO DESERVE THIS..I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING MY SELF...DO YOU KNOW THAT?ONLY THING THAT PREVENTED ME FROM DOING SO WAS THE HOPE THAT SOMEDAY I WILL SEE YOU....EVEN THOUGH I MIGHT NOT EVEN REMEMBER YOU AT THE TIME...BUT I KNEW THAT EVEN WHEN IM MAD I COULD FEEL YOU WHEN I SEE YOU.....I HOPED THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE AND I WILL BE BACK IN YOU'RE LIFE..........BUT IT DIDNT HAPPEN.......MY CONDITION WAS WORSENING AT THE TIME......I FELT SUFFOCATED ALL THE TIME...I THOUGHT ABOUT RUNNING AWAY.......ABOUT COMING BACK TO YOU'RE  ARMS...........HOW MANY TIME SI HAVE HOPED THAT THIS WAS ALL A DREAM..THAT I WILL WAKE UP ONE DAY AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE....BUT I DIDNT...IT WASNT A DREAM....IT WAS REALITY........DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH I TRIED TO CLEAR THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS BETWEEN US?DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FELT TO LIVE KNOWING WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME AFTER LEAVING?TO KNOW THAT YOU HATE ME NOW.............I KNOW YOU WERE HURTING.I KNEW THAT YOU WERE FED UP QUESTINING YOURE SELF  WHY I LEFT YOU?WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO DRIVE ME AWAY...BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.........IT HURTED ME...IT HURTED ME KNOWING THAT YOURE WERE CRYING BECAUSE OF ME............WHEN I HEARD THAT YOU FOUND ABOUT ME,I DECIDED TO LEAVE COZ I KNEW YOU WILL COME.......EVEN AFTER YOU FOUND ME...........WHEN I SAW YOU,ALL I WANT WAS TO HUG YOU HARD AND SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.......HOW I WANT TO DIE IN YOU'RE ARMS...HOW I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH YOU...........TO HAVE KIDS WITH YOU..........TO LIVE A LIFE TIME LOVING YOU........GOING TO SLEEP IN YOURE ARMS...WAKING UP SEEING YOURE SLEEP..........I WANTED TO LOVE YOU TILL THE END..I WANTED TO WATCH YOU GOING TO SLEEP......I WANTED TO SEE YOU WAKE UP..........I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.....................ALL I WANTED WAS YOU......I WANTED TO SEE YOU AS MY BRIDE........TO GIVE YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WOLD...................I WANTED TO FEEL YOU IN MY ARMS AGAIN...........I WANTED TO FIGHT WITH YOU...........I WANTED TO FEEL YOURE LIPS ON MINE........I WNATEDS YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART BODY AND SOUL..............He softened while saying this.She was dumbfound.She didnt knew what to say.He continued.
AGAIN I WAS REMINDED OF MY PATHETIC CONDITION..........I HAD TO WALK AWAY ..AGAIN...........IT HURT MORE THAN LAST TIME.........I WAS DEVOID OF YOURE LOVE FOR ALL THOSE MONTHS..........HOW I HOPED I COULD JUST LEAVE WITH YOU..........BUT EVEN THEN MY LOVE FOR YOU OVERTOOK MY  HOPES.........I LEFT YOU..I KNEW YOU WERE WITH YOU'RE COLLEGUE WHEN I LEFT YOU.....I DINT LEAVE YOU TO DIE RIDHIMA.....I COULDNT.......HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO ME..........I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN  LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU.....I THOUGHT I HAVE PROVED THAT TO YOU MANY TIMES.GUESS I WAS WRONG...........YOU ASKED ME WHY DID I CAME BACK.......HONESTLY RIDHIMA DONT YOU KNOW?
WHEN I SAW YOU,I KNEW YOU WERE BROKEN...........I HAD TO SURVIVE.I HAD TO........COZ MY RIDHIMA WAS WAITING......WAITING FOR ME TO COME BACK............SO I DID EVERYTHING I COULD DO TO GETWELL........SEARCHED FOR TREATMENTS.....AND I WAS SUCCESSFULL IN DOING SO..........WHAT I DIDNT KNEW WAS,YOU WERE READY TO MOVE ON.........TUM AIK NAYI SINDAGI KI SHURUVAD KAR CHUKE THE,YEH MUJE NAHI PATHA THA..........AGAR PATHA HOTA TOH MEIN KABHI WAPAS NAHI ATA RIDHIMA..........MEIN MAR JATA LEKIN TUMHARI KHUSI KE BEECH KABHI NAHI ATA........JAB MEIN WAAPAS AYA TOH MUJE SIDHANT MILA...HE SENT ME TO YOU...I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY...WHEN YOU LEFT ABRUPTLY I THOUGHT YOU WERE ANGRY...EVEN THEN YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME.......YOU JUST RUN AWAY FROM ME.....AND BOTH OF YOU TOGEHTER MADE ME A LAUGHING STOCK INFRONT OF WHOLE SANJEEVANI.......YOU ACCUSSING ME OF LEAVING YOU TO DIE?ME LEAVING YOU TO DIE?HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK LIKE THAT RIDHIMA?HOW COULD YOU?
NOW COME TO THINK OF IT,YOU MARRIED HIM FOR YOU'RE PARENTS SAKE,DIDNT YOU?CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
WHAT IF I HAD STAYED?WHAT IF I DIDNT LEAVE AND I WAS GOING MAD INFRONT OF YOU?WOULD YOU HAVE STAYED WITH ME?WOULD YOU?
His question brought her back from her trance.
"OF COURSE.....HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT?AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?YOU STIL DONT TRUST ME?I WOULD HAVE STAYED BY YOU'RE SIDE FOREVER"
"EVEN IF IT MEANT GOING AGAINST YOU'RE PARENTS?IM SURE THAT IF I HADNT TAKEN THE DECISION TO LEAVE MYSELF YOUR FATHER WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE DECISION FOR US.....HE WOULDNT WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME........HE WILL PROVIDE ALL THE MEDICAL HELP IM SURE.BUT HE WILL NOT GIVE AWAY HIS DAUGHTER TO A MAD MAN......WOULD YOU HAVE GONE AGAINST HIS WISHES?I DONT BLAME HIM FOR HIS DECISIONS.COZ A MAD MAN CANT TAKE CARE OF A WIFE....YOU WOULD HAVE SUCCUMBED TO YOU'RE PARENTS PRESSURE....I REMEMBER THE WAY YOU'RE FATHER BEHAVED WHEN I LOSS MY MEMORY........I REMEMBER  HOW YOU WERE READY TO OBEY YOURE FATHER AND GO AWAY FROM ME..IM NOT ACCUSING YOU THAT YOU DONT LOVE ME......COZ YOU LOVE THEM TOO MUCH....THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE LOVED TOO............SO BEFORE BLAMING ME FOR EVERY THING,THINK ABOUT IT......I MADE IT EASIER FOR YOU AND YOU'RE FAMILY.....I AVOIDED TOO MANY EMOTIONAL TURMOIL FOR YOU........DO YOU THINK I LEFT WITH OUT THINKING ABOUT ANY CONSEQUENCES?I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING RIDHIMA...ME LEAVING YOU WILL HURT YOU LESS THAN YOU'RE PARENTS FORCING OUR SEPARATION WITH MY CONSENT. YOU CAN HATE ME IN PEACE AND WILL SOMEDAY WILL MOVE ON.....LEAD A HAPPY LIFE.............BUT WHEN YOU CAME LOOKING FOR ME...MY HOPES AGAIN RAISED........
BUT NOW I KNOW THAT I WAS AN IDIOT TO COME BACK INTO YOU'RE LIFE.......I WAS WRONG WHEN I THOUGHT YOU WILL BE WAITING FOR ME.........WHEN I THOUGHT YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO SEE ME....I WAS WRONG WHEN I THOUGHT THAT YOU WILL HOLD ONTO ME AND BE WITH ME.......WHEN I THOUGHT THAT YOU WILL HOLD ME IN YOU'RE ARMS LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMMOROW......WHEN I THOUGHT THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE THE SAME BETWEEN US...........I KNEW YOU WOULD BE ANGRY FOR LEAVING YOU........WHEN I THOUGHT WE WILL BE HAPPY FOR EVER............I DIDNT KNEW YOU WERE HAPPY WITH SIDHANT........I WAS WRONG TO FIGHT AGAINST MY DISEASE.........I WAS WRONG TO COME BACK.......I WAS WRONG WHEN I DECIDED TO STAY ON BEING ASKED BY YOU'RE DAD........I SHOULD HAVE DIED IN THAT ACCIDENT.....I SHOULDNT HAVE SURVIVED.......I SHOULDNT HAVE GAINED MY SANITY FOR YOU.............I.........i..........
he couldnt continue...he was crying.He didnt wanna stop.ALL the pent up emotions found their way out.What he's been through these months tortured him.He was tired of being taking blame for everything that happened in their life.it was no ones fault that she was shot and he was badly injured.But his decision to leave her came out of his love for her.If she wasnt ready to understand his love for her it wasnt worth it.She was still blaming him for everythingarman then remembered what he was talking about.He gained himself and told her.
"im sorry.i shouldnt have talked to you like that..I never want to say all this..but please leave and one more thing.DONT PRETEND TO CARE FOR ME...I DONT WANT ANYONE TO CARE FOR ME...IM FINE WITH WHAT I GOT...I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.....I DONT WANT YOU'RE SYMPATHY....I DONT WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE....LEAVE ME ALONE....DONT EVER CARE FOR ME.....EVER........YOU HAVE YOU'RE HAPPINESS TO TAKE CARE OF...YOU'RE FAMILY......YOU'RE HUSBAND.......DREAMS TO BE FULLFILLED....TAKE CARE....GOOD NIGHT..He moved out to the balcony .It was raining.
She left the room without a single word.She was hurt beyond limit.She was sad.She enetered her room and lied down on the bed crying.But then she thought."i shouldnt cry......crying makes it easy......and i dont deserve it.........
His voice echoed in her ears.His tears tore her heart.But everything was done.It was over for both of them.In a sense,she destroyed him.
She looked out through the window.It seemed nature was understood them too.It was crying along with them....................

 Heaven/jannat

No comments:

Post a Comment

dilmilgayearblog.blogspot.com