Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Intro : Where Did I go Wrong

Diary, I know its 4 days late since all this happened and today is 2nd Jan 2007, but I am so busy with married life that I just don't find time for you. So without any further ado here I go.

28th Dec 2006(the day I got married to Armaan)

29th Dec 2006

4:00 am

It feels strange to sleep nude on bed with just a blanket to protect you from the winter's mist at 4:00 in the morning, the only consolation was the rock hard chest, the strong arm around my waist and the hot steady breath on my shoulder and neck. I didn't know why I felt so strange, was it because of the fact that I am 19 and married, or it was just something everybody goes through in the span of their life, I turned around, and there he was sleeping like a blessed child, yes he does look like a child, and also behaves like one. Maybe its one of those qualities I fell in love with, I was proud of him and myself for having him outta the many men in this world, I felt myself the luckiest at the moment, sleeping in the circle of his arms content and fully satisfied with the gift God gave me, all my problems were gone, sorted out, I am gonna live a good life, I just know it, I kissed his nose in an affectionate sort of way, even though I hardly made it felt, he woke up, again he looked like a baby I wanted to cuddle in my arms and never ever let go, "Good morning" he said in a audible whisper that made my heart go frenzy, we had hardly slept, or rather he had slept, I could not sleep at all, mainly it was because I made love for the first time, and secondly because I was worried about how my future would be, I guess its every girls worry, I really have no clue, mum didn't have so much time to tell me a lotta things, too much occupied in the family tensions which u know about. I simply stared back at him, his passionate eyes looked back at mine, how I felt like drowning in them, and he let me, so the last half an hour we had was the best of that night, he made me complete, my soul was complete, just before we got up at 5:00 am after what you call suhaag raat (yes diary, my morning begun and 5:00 am on that day and most of the days to follow) a loud knock on the door had me scandalized. He looked at me and mouthed "mom" that's when I understood and realized me morning begins at 5:00, too early, but I am sure I'll get used to it, in another 10 years or so, when I opened my mouth to respond to the knock on the door and the stern voice behind it saying "wake up" he shut my mouth with his hand over my mouth, "what?" I asked him, "nothing, it's not yet 5:00, there's still 7 minutes left for that". His voice had mixed feelings, one I recognized as mischief immediately, but the other part I understood when his kissed me, it was like he was saying sorry, I tried to show him in that act of kissing that I fully understood him, but I hope he was convinced. His grabbed me firmly and pulled me over him where I rested my head on his chest. "Please love me like this even tomorrow, like you did today"

He shut the diary, a tear fell onto it, he couldn't read anymore, no more of the emotions would get absorbed into him, and he just knew it, he remembered and cherished all the passionate moments they had spent, he knew what would be coming up in the diary of 29th Dec 2006 because he remembered it clearly as if it happened yesterday, but he knew it would be filled in with more than the love they shared that day which he wouldn't be able to read out of guilt.

He put back the diary under his pillow, the only possession of hers he had today; somehow she had poured so much into the diary that it held her fragrance.


"Where did I go wrong? Was I wrong? Or were the circumstances wrong? Did I do the right thing, or was my decision hasty? Or it just came to me at the spur of a moment and I did it. No Riddhima, don't think now, it's not right; it's wrong, absolutely wrong! I thought about it long back and I am not gonna look back and think about it more"

The fierce tornado played Riddhima's mind as a little 3 month old contently drank milk from the bottle Riddhima held, any moment now the baby would fall asleep on her lap.

"Riddhima?" a stern voice came from a distant land.

Riddhima looked up; "Yes Neha?" she addressed her aunt, coming out of the many thoughts that still tried its best to keep whirling in her head. Her aunt being hardly any older than Riddhima was addressed as Neha by Riddhima always rather than aunt, and had been with Riddhima from childhood. She was like her sister.

Why do u'''?

"Sshh Neha, she is sleeping, lower your voice" making frantic hushing gestures indicating Neha to sit on the bed she was.

"Ok fine, all set for tomorrow then?"

"I guess so Neha" genuinely smiling.

"Don't lie, why do you do this to yourself?"

"Do what Neha?" Even though she was fully aware of what Neha meant.

"Don't you play that old trick with me" her voice rising.

"Ok fine, just ssshh alrite, I don't want her to wake up, wait outside in the living room, I'll put her in the cradle and get there, fine?"

Neha nodded and left.

Riddhima as cautiously she could put the little girl into the cradle and rocked it a bit, then stroking her head she kissed it and smiled at the innocent face which unmistakably smiled back now in dreams of its own none knew.


"Neha, now please could you forget that?", Riddhima calmly said for the umpteenth time

"No I can't! When I tell you forget about it, do you listen to me and forget about it, do you listen to me and forget?"

Riddhima didn't reply, she knew Neha was right as always, she did disturb herself about things Neha claimed, but she didn't want to waste all he life thinking about it either.

"Neha" holding her hands, "I promise I'll forget all about it, ok, if not at once then step by step, and u will help me with it? Right'!?"

"Right, one last question, why do you feed her bottle milk"?

"Neha, you're asking me that again. I told you, I don't want her to get used to it, she'll grow older and when she gets and understanding it's gonna be difficult for me and for you. What will she do, she'll grow up like about 2 years, call you mother and wonder why she drank milk for someone else like me. Will you be able to answer those awkward questions later on then?"

"I guess I may not, but...

"No buts Neha, I have decided, where's Aditya, he hasn't come yet?"

"He'll be late I think"

"I hope he doesn't mind my decision about leaving Ahana (the baby) with you guys, I mean, newly married and all"

"Off course he doesn't, don't be silly, you were that cupid for us, remember, and Ahana is such an angel, she looks like Armaan"

"Now u know a valid reason to my not forgetting everything so easily, she looks so like him, that I love her more just for that" a sudden flash of the good past played in her mind.

"But Riddhima..."

"Neha let it be" coming out of the reverie, "I have no much control on circumstances, and me trying to control circumstances hasn't helped at all, I'd better go home, its getting late, I need to keep a few things ready for tomorrow"

Neha watched Riddhima exiting from the main door; she silently prayed "bless her with all that she has lost, Atleast for Ahana, she's too young to lose everything"


Far away and much different from the calm argument between Neha and Riddhima, another argument was taking place.

"What the heck mom, are you outta your mind like always? Stop pestering me alright"

"But Armaan, look at this picture, she's a pretty girl, smart and suitable for you"

No point shouting Armaan, calm down he told himself taking deep breath, but why is it the same thing all the time? Get married to her because she's pretty ambitious this that and holy crap.

"Armaan, are you listening to me?"

"I should have long understood that what Riddhima said about u was right, I was foolish and mad not to have listened to her, and you're the reason that for more than a year she has been away" he voice rising by every word.

Pin drop silence didn't blend with the vast living room.

"Armaan, what are you saying?" she exclaimed scandalized.

"The truth, simple plain truth, I should have listened to her, where did I go wrong?"

"You're telling me son that I am at fault, I am the reason she left you and went?"

"Bingo, at last u got my point, the countless nights I did not talk to her, didn't kiss her a goodnight even, didn't give her all that a wife rightly wants, and it's because of you, do you see anyone else around?"

"Why didn't I listen to her?" Armaan muttered as he ran his hands through his hair while his mother found herself dumbfounded and spellbound at his outburst!

"Enough of your nonsense, I am going and getting her back in my life, though I doubt after what I did I don't deserve her"

"Son, listen to me, you don't deserve her, and she'll turn out just like her mother"

"SHUT UP" his voice echoed in the living room "don't you even have a drop of female blood in you, if not me Atleast you should have understood her, wasn't she honest enough to tell us all she had gone and her mum had gone through? You're a woman ma, if your mother in law behaved like the way you are doing with Riddhima I would have spat on her, and I think that's what you are worth of today. I should have had a mind of mine own instead of being manipulated by fickle minds such as yours, I am going ma, to get her back as soon as destiny wishes if in my favor, I remember not to show her your face, I am sure that makes u happy"

"Armaan, listen'"

"I am off tomorrow" declared Armaan cutting across his mother's upcoming rant. Don't stop me, it won't work, and coz I'll probably not return. You run this business, I am going to do what I always dreamed off, I told you money making and this bloody business isn't my cup of tea"

"Armaan, show respect, it's your fathers business, he built it up with so much effort and he also didn't force me to take over after him, he allowed me to fulfill my dreams, until he died and you forced me to take over, I told you, money making and living lavishly is never what I wanted, a small happy life is enough"

"You think it's a crime Armaan, to do what you mother wants is a crime?" Holding the collars of his shirt with both hands!

"I always did what u wanted; I think I should be allowed an exception" tugging away her hands from his collar.

Walking upstairs he wiped a lone tear recalling the day he realized Riddhima was gone. He turned back at the top most stairs to take one last glance at his mom, "pray or Atleast hope that I find her and that I'll reconcile back to her, otherwise if you ever get to see me after I have gone, it will be my dead face."



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