Sunday, 10 February 2019

AR os : "......but your words are platinum"

'Speech is silver but silence is golden' I have grown up listening to this line. But is it so? I wonder as I look back to where I stand now. It emphasizes on the importance of silence over speech, in general terms. But can we generalize it? Isn't it a little misleading? On the face of it, it does convey an impression that it's better to stay silent than speak our heart out. No, I am not citing the faults in the proverb. Neither am I trying to justify my decisions. But it is up to one that he/she decides when to voice out his/her thoughts and when to adhere to silence.

All I have learnt is that, this one proverb fails miserably when it comes to relationships. I wish I had realized it back then when I thought silence conveys the feelings through eyes. How wrong I was! or maybe I was not. But it is late now, in my case atleast., or may be not! I have lost the most important relationships of my life due to my preference to silence. I wish I had discussed it with them before acting in haste.

But where did I go wrong? I still can't decipher. I have always been alone, though surrounded by humans all around me. It was all silence that prevailed in my heart and brain, though my ears could take the vibrations of speech that engulfed me. Being an orphan never helped me. I never knew how to voice out my inner feelings. I never knew that we have a right to speak in true sense.

I have been taught that one has to always nod to please someone. And I agree to that fact. Didn't I find my school teachers partial to the pupils who always nod at them like puppets over the pupils who effortlessly denied them inspite of their good scores? Weren't my colleagues who are mum to their reporting managers showered with promotions? But I failed to see through the context where the silence is used. And due to that now I am sitting, in the conference all surrounded with loud speakers I don't dare to count, with that loneliness and silence that prevails in me.

Now you must be wondering why I am alone. Where is my family? I had a family, a perfect one, didn't I? But even there I took everything for granted, assumed that my silence would help me in confronting my feelings. But if I see back, it never did.

Family- the one word for which I always craved for, for I never had one till that one person sneaked his way into my life and most appropriately my heart. Throughout my life before him entering it, I have never dreamt of being loved by anyone, let alone getting married to an almost perfect guy. Inspite of being a girl, I refrained myself from dreaming about my prince charming. For I knew, being an orphan, it's my duty to be content with what I had.

Unknown to me, all my protocols changed when I met him. Infact they were almost reversed. All I dreamt about was me sharing my life with him, loving him and being loved by him. But I never amassed my strength to confront him. Reason - my theory of silence again. I went off limits to please him by adhering to all his orders. Oh I forgot to tell you, he was my trainer when I got placed in one of the MNCs. But somewhere deep down I guess God was with me then. He read between my silence, rather than between my lines. He hinted me to speak my heart but I being myself, never did that. Infact that was the only wish of him I always avoided.

I was rendered speechless that day when he took me out on a date and proposed me. I only realized later that it was a family date infact. He brought his parents and sister when he proposed me. The words he said still reverberate in my ears.

"I never knew when I fell in love with you. All I know is that I love you. I don't say that I will shower you with all the happiness, but I will always stand by you in your sorrow and joy, even in your silence. I want you to feel my love and want to be loved by you. Will you be mine?" he said holding my palm in his looking straight into my eyes.

I know I was supposed to say that I love him, that I want to marry him. And I really wanted to do that. But for the first time, I couldn't utter anything even though I wanted to and gave in to my silence. But this time too he read my silence through my tears. He slipped a ring onto my finger and hugged me tight. I was still numb with happiness. He parted from me and wiped my tears pleading me not to shed them. I obliged him and smiled at him.

The next moment I felt his lips on mine kissing me tenderly. I held my breath when he tilted my face for better access before deepening the kiss. I felt blissful at the moment. I never wanted him to stop. Sighing deeply, I let him take whatever he wanted, for I was thankful for him for everything, I still am. I almost forgot that I have to give him back what he deserved. I felt him release my fists off his shirt that I tightly clasped and guided my hands to his neck. When I entangled my hands around his neck, he pulled me closer with his palms sprawled at my back. He moved his palms sensually all over my back and that's when I found my lips moving against his answering all his questions. Again I was engulfed by a soothing silence that I wished would never end.

A loud applause in the conference hall broke my stupor. As I looked around I notice people appreciating the previous speaker and then inviting the new one. I joined them though my mind was least bothered with it, as it was again filled with the silence of its own. As I diverted my uninterested brain to the dias, I froze. I felt myself knocked out of my breath as my mind processed the figure standing on the center of the dias. It was him. I could neither breathe nor could my heart beat.

I don't know whether he could spot me amidst the bunch of people gathered in the hall, but I am sure he could atleast feel my presence, or maybe not. My tired heart rejuvenated at the sight of him, standing infront of my eyes. How I yearned to have a glance at him for the past few months! As I stared at him longingly only one thing came to my mind; How far did I come from him?

Was it his mistake? Absolutely not! I knew that. I knew that even when we both drifted apart, when our worlds fell apart. I knew that I am the only one to be blamed and I still stand by it now. Had I not been silent for the time I spent with him, had I spoken my feelings, had I tried to clear the tension that slowly crept into our lives then, I wouldn't have been miserable the way I am now. I wouldn't have been alone the way I am now. I wouldn't have been silent the way I am now.

Throughout his speech, all I could see through it was my beautiful life that I spent with him, being his wife for two wonderful years. Yes, he married me a month after he had proposed me. I never imagined his family to be so kind hearted to let their member get married to an orphan. But they did. I never told them how much I respected them, loved them. I assumed they would just know it. I really wonder whether they did. I was grateful for his family for believing in me when I myself was against it. But did I stand upto their expectations? No!

I never realized the gap that made its way into my relationship with him, until I was hit by the storm.

"I thought you love me. I failed to recognize that you were just adhering to my needs. I don't need a favour, I want love. Right from the beginning it was always me. I feel as if you never existed in this relationship. I feel as if I am living with a stranger. I feel as if 'we' never existed. I am sorry I made a wrong decision for me, for you, for both of 'us'. I don't think it's going to work. I am sorry." Saying so he left me, leaving me in a whirlwind of emotions.

How could he mistake my love for him as a favour? Ofcourse why not? I never told him I loved him. I never told him what I felt for him. As always, I assumed he would read my silence. But I was wrong. He took my silence as his fault, his defeat. I wanted to scream that I love him. But he was not by my side then, to listen to me. I wished I had said that to him earlier. I wish I had not preferred silence then.

"How are you?" I heard his voice right behind me and turned around in surprise. That's when I noticed that the conference was over and most of the people had already left. But he stood there, just for me, I supposed, his eyes eagerly waiting for my reply. I could feel the pain in his voice, the emptiness in his eyes. My eyes stung as I looked into his eyes for a mere second before looking away.

"What do you think?" I whispered back as I couldn't find my voice in his presence. He smiled faintly looking around. I noticed then that the hall was empty except for both of us.

"I can see that you are doing perfectly well in your life." He said and the very next moment I looked up. I knew that sarcasm in his voice. He was just referring to the choice I made when he abruptly called me one day, a month after we broke apart and asked me one question.

"What is more important, me or your life?" he asked me out of blue.

"My life-"

"Good to know that. Bye." He said and cut the call.

"You never understood what I said." I whispered as a lone tear rolled down my cheek.

"I heard your choice." He said as he stepped forward and wiped the tear away. His touch burned my skin and I closed my eyes wanting to turn to ash in his arms. "Was there anything else you spoke?" he asked wrapping his hands around my waist.

I opened my eyes and stared into his, which were looking at mine expectantly. I knew that if I couldn't say it now, I would never. I knew I should say it before my silence would spoil everything that we shared and if I am not wrong, still share.

"I thought you would understand that you are my life when I said that." I said slowly and noticed the display of various emotions on his face - shock, surprise, joy, pain and then a slight smile.

"How would I understand? You never told me what you felt for me." He said as he pulled me closer gently. He was true. I never told him what he meant to me. I never told him the importance he had in my life, or rather that he was my life and he still is. "Do you want to say something now?" he asked as he planted a soft kiss on my nape.

"All I want to say is that I love you." I breathed out as his lips aroused the fire in me that was buried deep down when he was away. He drew back and caressed my cheek with his knuckles, which made me open my eyes. All I saw was the happiness that adorned his face. If I ever knew that my words could mean so much for him, I wouldn't have wasted time in saying what he had so desperately wanted to listen.

"I waited for you to say this for long before I gave up. Why didn't you say that before?" he asked as he brushed few tendrils of my hair on my forehead back. What do I answer for that? I never knew that words carried such importance.

"I thought that silence is gold when speech is silver." I answered back. He frowned as he heard my words. It took a moment for him to decipher what I meant. When he did, a smile made its presence felt on his lips.

"Oh, then your words are platinum for me." He said still smiling at me and looking at me in amazement. "I love you." He whispered before claiming my lips into a long loving and a passionate kiss. My hands snaked their way around his nape pulling him closer as he caressed my back and waist. I kissed him back with equal fervor and tried to convey what all I wanted to say; silence is better sometimes! I did feel it different this time. For I didn't sense any silence in my soul, I only felt his magical words ringing through my insides.

"I love you too, Armaan Mallik" I whispered, confidently, staring deep into his teary eyes when he drew back.


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