Thursday, 27 May 2021

OS : Untitled ARSH


When I came here, I did not know I would meet someone like you. I still do not have a single idea why I fell for you, but I did, and could never rise again. I know we can never be together, maybe we're just not destined to be, I know that, you know that, and the world- well I don't know if it even matters to anyone else. But yeah, we can never be together, and though it keeps ringing in my mind all day long, my heart still doesn't seem to understand it, it doesn't seem to comprehend with the worldly affairs of pain and hurt, of anguish and separation. All it cares about is-you. Trust me, I tried hating you, I tried ignoring you, I tried to concentrate on the better things on earth, but each time ended in realizing there's nothing better than you. When I first saw you, I did not know in a few days you will be the only thing my eyes would ever want to see, and when your eyes met mine, I felt something click, like a key turning in a lock. Believe me, I'm not romantic, and while I've heard about love at first sight, I've never believed in it, and I still don't. but even so, there was something there, something recognizably real, and I couldn't look away…and since that day, I have never been able to
look away, never been able to turn away from you…please do not misunderstand me, I do not desire you, because I know I can never get your love, it was never meant for me, you were never meant for me. But even so, my mind, or my heart for that matter has never been able to understand that if we were not meant to be, if we had no future, why did I meet you at the first place? Why did you even come into my life when you were not here to stay? And then, my lips smile at my own stupidity as I realize that you actually never came into my life, you never said you were here to stay, you never made a promise, it was me, only me…it was only me back then, and it is only me now. I was at mistake when I was lost in your smile and failed to notice that the smile wasn't for me, I was at fault when I wiped your tears but failed to notice that the tears were not for me, they could never be, I wasn't that special for you. Ever. I was at fault when I held your hand and told you to love, I forgot to tell you I wanted you to love me. But then, what could have I done? My mind did not seem to understand all the new emotions that your presence had filled my life with, and my heart did not want to see or understand anything beyond you. I know my words had an effect on you, that is why you changed…you smiled, if I knew it back then, I would have never let you go. Never. I would have asked you to stay and smile with me, I would have told you to love me…I would have told…I…I had so many things to say! But they are right when they say never to let go of what you have, for time does not wait for anyone. I understand that now, I wish I would have never let you go, I wish I would have confessed my feelings earlier and told you I could not live without you…I can not live without you. I wish I would have embraced you in my arms…but now I do know I can not do anything. Anything at all… and it is not because I know I would lose, I would love to lose a million times if it is for you, and it is not because I know you don't love me, I did not ever demand that, I would never demand anything from you, for love is giving, not demanding, isn't it? And it is not because I am scared, I have been there a lot of times and now I am not scared anymore, from anything…but I would not say anything to you because- I LOVE YOU … and I heard it somewhere that when you love someone truly, let him go, he is your love if he comes back…so I am letting you go. No no please don't get me wrong, I am not challenging anyone, I am not challenging you and I am not challenging life, I know you would not come back, but that's just a way to pacify my heart, this stupid heart you know…it needs to be patted and told all is well even when it is not…so I will tell it to wait, to wait all my life till you come back, and I promise I would never let my heart bother your life anymore, I would keep it busy waiting for you, I would keep it fooled. And me, well I don't know for it is my first time in love…and probably the last time as well, but I would move on…start my life with a new beginning…as they say when the sun is set and the birds have returned, all you can do is to move on and wait for another bright day. So I would move on in life, away from you. I know if I asked you, you would have also told the same, to forget you and move on…and well how can I deny you! I did not write this letter to disturb you, please know it, I just wrote it because I wanted to finish it all on a completed note at least, if not a happy note. I wrote it so that at least for once I can tell you what I truly feel and so that I would not have to bear this burden all my life…and honestly, I wrote this stupid piece of confession so that deep down in my heart I have a satisfaction that you have a piece of me …

I don't know if you would be concerned or not, but I wanted to tell you that this is the last time you are hearing a word from me, I would leave this place soon and would never come back. I want to tell you where I am going, because in some buried corner of my heart, I still have a faint hope that if I tell you where can you find me…you will. But that is only the reason that I don not wish to tell you… I do not wish myself to be an obstacle in your life in any way…I wish you to have a happy life ahead and if possible, please remember me, even if it is as a friend…and me, well as I told you, I promise to move on, exactly the way you would have wanted…well since you never said anything about your feelings to me, I am still guessing that you would have wanted me to move on, start afresh, pacifying this stupid heart you see!

Take care

Love/// Bless you.

Move on and start afresh….ask the man pushing the boulder up the hill how hard it is to start afresh!


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