Wednesday, 5 June 2019

AR OS:For Love

I hold your hands,and rub them softly,trying to wake you up.You look beautiful when you lay like that,eyes closed and away in a dreamland.You don't respond,and I know that you're thinking and not trying to show that it hurts you,as much as it hurts me.I kiss your hands once,and your eyes still remain closed,but you breathe a deep sigh.I don't know how many hours,minutes,and seconds have passed,how many days and how many nights have I just held your hand like that,and you find your immense peace in me,I know.

My heart beats for you.Its like a medicine to you,you say,and I smile.You know when you smile?You look like my world,the only thing I was breathing for.Then,I just don't need to find a reason for my existence anymore,because I know it was you,it is you and it will be you.A thousand words,and maybe still some feelings,some deep love would remain unexpressed.But then,our love never needed words to express it to each other.We are soulmates,as they say,and those people who own each other's hearts and souls don't have to say what they feel for each other.They just know.

I keep rubbing your hand,gazing at the beautiful you who looks so heavenly whenever my eyes fall on her.Everything about you is perfect for me..Your eyes,your heart,your smile and most importantly,the person you are.I try not be sad.I try not to think about the future..My heart beats faster.There are no limits of dreams you saw of us together.You saw us in the rain,dancing away without music,like cliched bollywood movie couples,you saw us sharing a cake and then smearing it over each other's faces and giggle,you saw us holding hands,and kissing in the moonlight.Unknowningly,I shared your dreams.My nights filled with images of your head on my shoulder,and just a quiet sitting at the beach,our silence speaking..You held my hand and led me to the light,and I found your face shimmering brilliantly,I found my heaven.

I wish time would turn back itself..I wish,I could have realised earlier how much I loved you.I wish this time would never come,and we'd be just like that,in each other's arms,unaware of the swiftly passing we gaze into each other's eyes and find all the love waiting there,the wind caressing your face,and your hair flowing over,causing me to gently move them away and you to close your eyes at my mere touch.Each word,each moment,each memory,each smile,each tear,each silence..I remember everything.You are irreplaceable,and my heart will never ever try to replace you.How will it do that..when you're all I have?When you yourself make me..My heart,My life?

Oddly that day,I wanted you to talk to me.I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to see you smile.I wanted you to hug me like there was no tomorrow,and ask me,"Will you be here forever?" I would answer..I wanted you to speak.I wanted your emrald-green eyes to meet mine,and tell me everything I wanted to know.I feel your grip tighten on my hand,as if you're afraid of losing me.
"Riddhima..",I breathe in a whisper,and your eyes flicker open.

I sigh.You don't speak,you just look at me..trying to find out your answers.I can almost hear your heart pounding against your chest,beating eratically as it patiently and very silently waits for what was coming.Speak,please. I say through my eyes.One last time,please Riddhima. Your eyes well up slowly and you look away.Avoiding eye contact with me,you sit up on the bed,still looking pale and lifeless.I couldn't question my destiny,my love,myself,God,you or anyone else..I have no one to blame.My mind is still spinning with everything thats happening and all I do,is to use my other hand and move your chin to face mine.

"Riddhima..",I say again.
You let your tear flow down,and whisper for the unteempth time,"Why do you have to go?"
I repeat your question,"Why do you have to go?"
Silence prevails,and you move to me,and hold me tight.I rub your back,as you burst out crying.How much could you pretence,how much could you hold back?So I let you cry,and you grip my shirt tighter,not wanting to let go.
"Please..",you whisper and break down again.
I stay as hard as a stone,trying not to break down.I close my eyes as I hide my face in your hair,and momentarily you stop crying and get lost in our love.Our world..the world you made for me.

Measurements would be unending if I would sit to count how much time we just stayed like that.I found that peace in your arms,I found my world in your arms,in you..I couldn't bear to leave you.And yet,accepting my defeat,I question myself,'Why is this happening this way?' Sighing in your embrace,I get lost in my memories.I see myself slowly extending my hand to your forhead,as I fill the sindoor in your maang,proclaiming you mine for life.You're looking down,and I know the turmoil inside you,your feelings a mixture of happiness,love,sadness and ecstasy.You became mine.I saw you hiding your face in my chest and whisper that you love me..and thats all I needed to know. I see the shock spread on your face which makes way through your tears,as you discover that I am going back to the Army. 'My nation is my mother,Riddhima..',I say to you as you sob furiously and hold on to me,'My first love..I cannot abandon my mother for my life, are my life.If I have to,I have to just-' You don't let me speak anymore.You tiptoe and capture my lips with yours,making that moment another beauty of my life.

"I Love You..",you say in a broken whisper,kissing my ear softy.
I smile,my eyes still closed,I shift closer,and hold you fully against me as I say,"I Love You more than words can say.Thats why I live."
"Please..",you whisper as you look at me,"Don't go..I won't to.."
"Shh..",I quiten you down and wipe your tears gently,"Then why are you going?",I say.

You look away and bite your lip,as your eyes well up,reddened with the continous effect of tears.I know you can't help,I know you'd stop everything that was happening,were they in your hands.I know we both didn't have to answer,we were that helpless.You had cervical cancer,and it was your last stage.You were dying..You were leaving me..The thought itself made me cry.You hold my hand tight,and touch your forehead with mine. You had just 10 more days left then.I would question myself so much loads of time,'Did I have the courage to see you die infront of my eyes?' and 'Would I be able to live through that?'

Right then,after silence,I kiss your forehead and tell you,"Go to sleep,darling.",as I lay you down.
You panic,your eyes search mine as you say,"You won't go anywhere..Please.."
"I won't go anywhere,love..I'm here for you..",I whisper.
You shut your eyes but hold on tightly to my hand saying,"Promise?"
I lean in and lightly peck your lips,"I Promise."

I don't know,Riddhima..I don't know how to ask for what I want from you.You are what I always wanted,and would want.You are the sole reason my heart beats,and now..when you have every right to be angry with me,I am asking for forgiveness..Will you forgive me,Riddhima?

I'm sorry..I'm..I nearly have less words that can hardly convey what I feel now.Baby,please forgive me.Forgive me,Riddhima..Your husband is the worst one in the world,I know..but what do I do..Your love,you..I can't face it,I can't see you dying.I'm going.Its a war again,love..And if I don't return,wait for me in heaven.I don't want to live without you,I can't hold you against me and whisper your name,getting no reply or even a sigh.I can't breathe knowning that you had stopped breathing..My heart is weak,Riddhima..for you,it is.Forgive me,Love..Please.

You have 3 more days left.Happy Birthday Sweetheart.You're finally 26.Uh-huh,you're still my beautiful young wife,my dreamy filmy loved wife.You're getting to be stronger,better.Not older,you're getting closer to me.I know after reading this,you will be crying.Thats why I came,Riddhima..I can't see you cry.It kills my heart.Even if your tears blur your eyes,don't let it wipe out the words..Because maybe,Riddhima..this is my last letter.Don't think I amn't there,because I am.I am by your side,watching you,feeling your heart beating inside me.I am holding your hand and keeping your hope in my veins to fight.Pray for me,love me..Know that wherever I am,I am with you.I am yours.

Words are running out,and so is my time.I don't know if I want to come back even,but don't let it sicken you.Smile, look beautiful when you smile.Your smile makes me live.Make yourself happy,believe that I am there,and Love me..even when your're waiting for me up there.I can't see you dying,I can't..I can't live without seeing you live.So wait for me,I will come.No excuses.This time,I swear by my life..I will come.I Love You.

I did this for you,For Love.
Yours forever,

P.S. I Love You more than words can say.Thats why I live..



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