Wednesday, 12 June 2019

part 11 : Come Back to Me

Armaan opened the door and saw her looking up at him as she shifted her weight nervously away from him. She sat there looking so vulnerable and pale sitting with her back against the bed hugging her knees, lowering her eyes not wanting to look at him..


He walked upto her as she suddenly edged further away shifting her weight on the cold wooden floor away from him. Sitting down beside her he took her hands forcefully and his and looked into her tearful eyes.


"Riddhima?" he uncertainly spoke gentle looking at her fingers in his hands.




"I don't know where to start from?…..I guess in plain simple facts, I wasn't just good enough for you. Or rather you were too good for me more then I deserved. And last night I found you in such a state….I was annoyed and angry. I hated myself for putting you through so much and I was frustrated. Never had I imagined our life would take this kind of turn because of me. I ruined your life and I………killed…..I killed it. I killed our baby Riddhima!…..when I came to know that from Rahul…..I felt like killing myself for hitting you and….. Why didn't you ever tell me you were pregnant Riddhima….you don't know what I felt when I heard from someone else. I mean……I guess that's what made me mad initially. I felt so broken and betrayed…." He whispered as she stared in the space taking her hand away from him.


"You felt broken? Now you are blaming me? How I tried to tell you and how you avoided me ….told me not know Riddhima I am busy!" she questioned him turning to look at him. How dare he blame her for his actions? She glared at him holding back her tears.


"Riddhima?" Armaan cupped her face and whispered as sat there motionless devoid of any movement. He continued.


"I ….Riddhima you just disappeared after that incident. I was so ashamed of myself and shocked and felt as my heart had been ripped out…but you just left. And then…the turmoil of emotions I went through. Frustrated…annoyed and my failure not you and the guilt of loosing. It killed me Riddhima…"he spoke feeling a lump in his throat he released her.


"That is no excuse for your actions Armaan…… why is that you always think about yourself? Did you ever once think about me? What I went through?…" she whispered looking at him. As he looked so broken and in pieces..


"I can never forgive you….you killed my baby….and the countless heart burns you have given me….you know Armaan in this relationship it was always you…right from the beginning. You wanted me because you loved me. You steered our life and drove us apart. If it suited you it was fine….or else I was a mere object in the corner of the room. And…."


"Why didn't you ever correct me Riddhima? Why didn't you say these things before?" he softly spoke feeling his insides break.


The simple question caused Riddhima to go numb. It was the harsh fact…she had been running away from. And still she was unwilling to give it a thought. She blinked away.


"Riddhima….I am bad with words…I don't know what more to say. Sorry has no meaning here at all now . I just wish I could change everything go back time….I…" he sighed looking away. Sitting there besides her feeling her lifeless body he didn't know what else to do.


"You are free to go Riddhima….I wont stop you…wish I could. But I no longer have that courage to do so. After what have done. I just wish ….you could give me one chance. But I know after what you have been through…." Armaan looked her as he whispered.


She looked at him surprised at his gentle tone. Life had put them through so much. She couldn't take a chance now though. She needed to think now before any decision. And giving him a second chance…..it was out of question. She got up and looked at him still sitting starring at her.


"Eat something and go atleast" he whispered getting up.


"No thanks" she made her way to the door.


"Riddhima" she looked back to see him stopping her.


"I still love you  and  always will…..if you ever come back to me I'll…." Feeling her own eyes swell up Riddhima walked away and made her way to the main door.


Sitting in the cab she stared at the blurring images as they cab moved. She didn't know what she had to do??? What if he were to turn back on his words? She could never ever forgive the pain he had caused her. She gave herself to him and he had……she closed her eyes as his words came back…..
 
"Why didn't you ever correct me Riddhima? Why didn't you say these things before?"

You are weak Riddhima she thought to herself. You are weak. You will never ever stand up for yourself and for what you want.  You do want to give him a chance don't you?….but then you are not sure of yourself? If I am not sure of myself how on earth am I supposed to trust him? He killed me that night and the love I was carrying ……but am I not equally responsible? Riddhima felt tears roll down as she had the entire past flashing into her mind. It was as though somebody was replaying the painful moments all over again. She closed her eyes tighter to absorb the fresh wave of guilt and pain that washed over her.

Life had never ever been the same ever since she had moved in with him….who was at fault? Wasn't she partly responsible she thought as the events came flooding back.
 
**************************************************
Flashback


"Riddhima?" she looked back at him as he stood next to her in the balcony placing his arms around her waist he kissed her shoulder lightly and saw her looking at the tender rays of rising sun just washing the world with warmth.
"I am sorry" he whispered. Riddhima closed her eyes as she felt him breathing down her neck.
"For what?"
"About last night…..I forced you and I…" he tightened his arms around her as he felt her sigh. 
"Armaan do you really love me?" she asked looking at him release her and stare at her.
"Ofcourse I do…Ridz I am sorry….I never meant to force you and you didn't object and I…." he looked away feeling guilty.
 
"So you regret whatever happened?" she continued.
"Ridz…..I don't…I love you and I guess I got carried away and….I don't intend on making you feel guilty or anything for something that wasn't your fault. You weren't ready and I …."
"Armaan if it was love don't regret it….I guess I was being hard on you and…"
"Hey no…Riddhima will you ever get out of the habit of taking all blame on yourself? I sort of just got carried away and believe me it was love but you weren't ready and i…" he paused as she placed a finger on his lips.
He stepped back in surprise as she hugged him tight.
"Hold me Armaan" she whispered. "Promise me you will never leave me" she asked.
"I promise" he hugged her back smiling as Riddhima felt relieved. He had made love to her all night and she had allowed it. Not once had she stopped him she knew that and why had surrendered to him so willingly she had pondered ever since she woke. Had she done the right thing? Why was she feeling so guilty and felt ashamed? Did she not trust him? It had been the first ever time she had allowed any man to come so close to her and Riddhima felt something was eating her up. Was it her lack of trust in them? As she heard him promise she felt relief wash over her.
His strong hold on her reassured her faith in them. She had done nothing wrong by trusting him. His dominance and strong control on her made her feel wanted. Maybe it was because nobody had ever guided her and kept this hold on her strongly in her entire life that she welcomed his nature.
"I love you Riddhima" he pulled her out of the hug and kissed her lightly.

 
********************************************


She smiled as she opened her eyes and felt his arms around her holding her. The last few weeks had been great again. Armaan had asked her finally shift into his room and now they were officially living together as he called. They were to walk down the aisle sooner or later anyways so what was the harm?


Riddhima couldn't object….past few weeks she had found herself falling into his spell deeply all the more. He completed her .Made her feel wanted and beautiful. She had never been touched or made to feel so loved by any other man in her life. She wanted to feel his love each moment and each minute.


She smiled as he stirred and opened his eyes.

"Morning love" he gently kissed her and glanced at the alarm clock besides her on the bedside table.


"OMG Ridz its 8 am…..why did you not wake me up??" I have a meeting with those producers. If I convince them I will have this lifetime opportunity to compose music in one of their films. Oh crap…Ridz set up the breakfast I am coming" Riddhima got up as she saw him rush to the bathroom.

Seated on the dinning table she saw him gulp his food down.


"Armaan…..I really hope you get this project…I will be so happy for you" she smiled as he nodded.


"Armaan did you give my bio-data anywhere? You had promised right….I mean you have all the contacts and…"

"Yes….I did…I'll let you know…" he curtly replied as he picked up his cell and pressed a few buttons.


"Ok Armaan….umm Armaan if you are free can we go out somewhere tonight? Its been ages you know……" she cautiously asked.


"Riddhima how many questions are you going to ask me at this time in the morning? I have an important meeting now and you are asking me about your bio-data and all…we can talk later" he got up and walked out looking visibly annoyed leaving a stunned Riddhima behind.


As she gathered the dishes Riddhima felt tears in her eyes. This wasn't the first time he had barked back at her like this. As they started living together she started observing his life closely. As the days flew by he started seemed different to her. Like he was there with her  one minute and next minute not there.


She thought it was the work pressures and his determination to achieve the best that was keeping him busy. He would come home and they would go to sleep. And she also noticed that he wouldn't really show much of interest when she would talk about her career. And just like today he would look hassled or irritated if she would ask him about herself.

Sometimes he would say sorry and sometimes they would just sleep over it.


"Maybe he is just busy…."she wondered. Its nothing serious she assured herself.

****************************************************

"Riddhima? Where are you? Come soon....this is your first break and the new singer...Muskaan is eager that you see her sing your lyrics"

Riddhima sighed holding the phone close to her ears. Here she was just outside the performance hall waiting in the car....."Yes Rahul...on my way" she cut the call. It had been over 2 months now since she last saw Armaan properly at home or even had exchanged a mere "Hi "with him.

Living in the same house it seemed she was living with a complete stranger.….as the limo turned to up the street she closed her eyes….Riddhima was proving to be a a lyricist and the new singer was singing her song for the first time and had been invited to see the live performance since she wanted to see her for the first time….

Riddhima sighed staring at her cell.....how she hated keeping Rahul waiting....but then Armaan hadn't even bothered to call back after she dialed his number.

Riddhima stared at the picture of them which she had clicked on the mobile….How all evening she kept calling him. I did to remind you its important...this is my first ever break  and you........ but he had ignored her yet again....just as he had in the days that came..... ….he was busy with his music which was soaring in the charts…

"Driver take me home!" she saw him nodded. She could not face anyone as she was always seen with Armaan....had been projected as his armcandy and the same crowd would ask the questions....... the media would go  in a frenzy if they learn't the inside scoop and it would just set tongues wagging.. She did not need this...nor did poor Rahul...and it was his fience Muskaan's first live performance as singer...no she couldnt ruin it.......it was Rahul ....that made her see things they were supposed to be seen....but still she would  not trust her instincts on Armaan and follow her heart..........

 "Turn the Radio up…" she asked the driver hearing her written song on the radio…


I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Feeling her own heart so full of pain she felt the tears running down her face as she remembered……..maybe the deceision she had now taken.....was for the better....maybe it was time to put in action.....as she recollected how living with with him had been nothing but a nightmare........

*************************************

Jia 

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