Wednesday, 25 March 2020

AR os : Night time reflections…

I don't know what woke me up. Was it the cacophony of ambulance or was it the sound of screeching breaks of a motor bike enthusiast? Times like these make me rethink my decision of living in the city rather than the suburbs. It's very taxing when one's sleep gets often compromised especially after a super long shift at hospital.

As I fumbled to find glass of water on my bed side table, my fingers automatically curled around the picture frame that she had gifted me a few months ago. My fingers overrode my primal need of thirst and softly traced the contours of the frame. My mind instinctively started naming facts about the picture that was inside that frame; the color of her dress, the exact curve of her smile lines, a faint trail of a sweat bead at base of her neck, her bright eyes and an exuberant expression. I was never one for collecting memorabilia.

She wasn't the first one to present me with something this personal. But her gift was the first one to make to my bedside table though. There were times when I wondered what exactly had changed? In the beginning I was surprised at my attraction towards her. She was the antithesis of everything I looked in a woman before, yet, her company was simply intoxicating. I had believed it as a harmless crush which would pass with time, but it hadn't; and I was glad that it hadn't.

Each and every one of us starts off as a blank slate; be it relationship or otherwise. Over the years things get written and get committed to our memories. We make memories as we go along, sometimes documenting in a tangible way of pictures, journal entries, greeting cards, gifts, trinkets and sometimes these memories are safely hidden in the crevices of the brain. It's logical for a person to revisit these memories during the course of life. There was a time when I believed that hanging on to memories crippled me in way that slowed down my movement towards future.

Of late I have realized that it's not too bad to revisit old conversations, read a year old journal entry; it gave me an entirely different perspective of myself. It scared and elated me at the same time. My actions have defined me what I am today. And I am happy with the way I have turned out; at least up till now.

My fingers are still tracing outline of her face on that picture frame when passing cool breeze manages to give me goose bumps. My thoughts always seem to go her during these sole moments of my loneliness. Her company gives me a sense of safety net. With her I can think aloud, ponder, observe people around and simply talk without any inhibitions. It's really hard to be like that with another human being, given the judgmental attitude that all of us seem to possess. I cannot callously speak about something and expect people to understand and accept it as my point of view. The world doesn't work that way.

Even though ideally that's how it should be, but that's not how it is. Between what we are and what we want to be, comes our society. I am really glad that I have such a figure in my life. I can ramble on my thoughts, literally think out aloud and get away with it. I am not scared of being mocked up on my line of thought nor am I scared of the fact that after I finish my rambling, she would think of me otherwise. It's a nice secured feeling that you get when you sleep on your mother's lap.

I know that when a relationship starts to mature, the decisions taken by one would automatically reflect on the other; be it emotionally or even physically. It was my own sheer stupidity that made me realize that how horribly we were tangled up in each other. Sometimes my anger hurt her more than she showed me. My recklessness, when I rode motorcycle scared her more than she wanted to admit to. My past experience with women had sown a seed of bitter insecurity in her which she had accepted without a question.

The first tear that was caught in her eyelashes for far too long made me bite my tongue, count to hundred before I utter angry words. Her frantic heart beat, which she thinks I cannot hear or feel, gives away her fear when someone challenges me for a bike race which I politely decline. When I lean into her whenever I speak with a lady friend, I can feel heat radiating from her and she leans into me ever so slightly, sharing my own personal space, as if she always belonged there.

Changes are inevitable in our lives. Changes happen in our lives whether we like it or not; just like life. One might think that these are compromises or sacrifices that I had to make to keep a healthy relationship. But I beg to differ. My point of view of seeing things, feeling things and living life has been slightly altered. It has just been aligned with hers.

Sleep will come to me again and when it does, it would be filled with sound of ruffling of her suit, smell of forest scenting perfume, her sparkling eyes and gentle smile.



No comments:

Post a Comment