Friday, 6 March 2020

OS : WHERE SHOULD I GO ??

Sid !!!

Yes.. It was Sid for whom I had been Waiting in the park just a few hours ago.. Sid.. My husband.. Although he was junior to me but destiny made me his wife.. I did not have any choice.. I was emotionally forced to marry him by mumma after that photo scandal.. But was it my fault?? I agree I humiliated him in the airport on the very 1st meeting of us but was it not an over reaction from his side?? But no... No one judged him from my point of view.. Mumma sentenced her words.. I have no right to call her my mother if I won't marry Sid... Had she ever thought what effect her words gonna have on my mind & soul.. Mother!! She's the person we want most when we are depressed or hurt.. and how easily she sentenced my death without realizing it.. I had to marry that very person who tried to ruin my life nd betray MY ARMAAN??? how can i betray my Love?? He is every thing to me... But did I have any option?? ARMAAN left me without informing and now Sid had done some thing that i could not repair.. I had lost my love .. I can't afford losing my parents.. NO !! i can't.. may be i was not a gud lover but I'll try to be a gud daughter although i knew how costly this was...





I married Sid... & the very moment i was declared as his wife I saw the hinge of relief and satisfaction on mumma - papa's faces... Yes!! their reputation was saved in the society but I was destroyed... Now i am a cheater... I cheated my love and gonna be the worst wife too... How could i surrender myself to my official husband when my soul stays with some one else.. I saved mumma's life & the reputation of the dean of sanjeevani but wasn't it too costly?? It took my life...


Now after 5 months of repetitive trying Sid has finally agreed to start a fresh.. Hmm.. I know every one will think how heartless i am.. after betraying a person like armaan who loved me to the core.. i m going to start a fresh with my husband?? but that's not the reality.. although my soul stays in my Armaan but i have some responsibility.. He is my husband & i should give him a chance.. don't i ?? but will I be able to give him my soul... I really don't know... But at least we can start a friendship than behaving like strangers when we have to stay at same house for whole life... But do I have any life??


I was waiting & hoping that may be i'll find a friend in my husband.. may be i will be a good wife.. may be i will carry this responsibility too but NO !!  like always DESTINY HAS PLANNED SOMETHING DIFFERENT & my life scattered like card - house...


I was trying to prepare my mind when a gush of wind hit my face.. The same uneasiness over took me.. My heart beat fastened & my mind entered that very dreaded lane which i always ignored with gr8 difficulty.. Why?? why was I feeling like its HIM.. My love.. my soul.. MY ARMAAN ???


I turned trembling.. my gaze was still on the ground.. i wanted to look forward but my brain was not allowing me... it could not be u!! No.. this was not YOU... But then why was i feeling ur presence.. why??


I raised my gaze & the sight froze me there.. it was REALLY you... You, ARMAAN.. you were standing in front of my eyes.. I searched you every where like crazy... I prayed every second with unbearable pain... But you never came.. and now you were standing in front of me... WHY???


Any one will think that how selfish I am.. He came back after such a long time.. He had gone with so much pain & escaped from the last step of death just for me and i m not happy??? But this is not true.. I'm happy... My happiness had no boundary... All i prayed to god was to cure you & if it needs my life.. he can happily take mine but he has to save you.. and now u are standing in front of my eyes with tears of joy... smile of reunion... and over whelming love for me.. but do i have the right to drench my self in your love... Do I ??


You hugged me tight.. as tight as u could.. never ever in our relationship you hugged me this way.. i know how u were feeling.. trust me i was feeling the same.. i wanted to react the same but I was not allowed... U spoke ur heart out but nothing entered my ears.. I saw ur lips moving saying some thing.. But my mind was scattered... I saw that very old armaan i loved madly... no.. that's the biggest lie.. i LOVE madly.. yes.. i still love u.. i never stopped loving u.. i acted hard but i never forgot u.. u were in my mind nd heart every moment.. its the hope of seeing u again that i din't finish myself.. nd now i saw how happy u were that u kept on speaking so much... ur hands were holding mine nd I ?? i was in dilemma.. How should i react?? My eyes started flowing nd wen i saw you coming near to suck my tear like always I regained my consciousness and backed off.. U were confused.. I know how you had felt... But I was not in a state to give you any clarification... I wanted to hug u.. kiss u... love u.. madly but i can't.. on the other hand u have the right to know the reason of my strange behavior but i cant that too... i cant ruin that smile i saw a few seconds before.. i am not that strong.. i am truly not..


I ran.. ran nd ran until i got my cab ... I heard ur shrieks but i dint have the stamina to look back.. nd now I am in Sid's house.. In his store room.. stuck in dust.. suffocation nd darkness.. yess.. its my life now.. darkness... But can any one answer wat was my fault?? I loved some one more than myself but i wasn't allowed to be with him.. Now wen i decided to carry out my responsibilities the locked door of my past reopened scattering my every attempt to prepare myself to bear my responsibilities... But wat i got in return?? I cant return to armaan nor i can call sid's house as mine nor i can go back to papa's house.. First time i m feeling so unwanted.. wen i came to know about my adoption, i dint feel like this but now i 'm feeling how unwanted i m... Now i have the three important males of my life.. My papa.. who is happy that i got married where he wanted... My husband.. who is eager to start a new friendship & My life.. who wants to re-enter my body...
but...

WHERE  SHOULD  I  GO ??
..............................
sargam

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