Wednesday, 22 April 2020

os : good-bye, a see-you-later and a train ride...

"Have you seen these people who travel all over the world looking for an adventure, searching for new things and learning about new cultures? They seem so accomplished, worldly wise and ironically they would not have toured their own country. It's kind of taken for granted that something that is nearby is always easily attainable. I paused for a couple of minutes. Actually, I came here today to take a train to this place which is an hour ride from here. The place is rich in its cultural history, fine arts and what not so we thought we can check it out; kind of a field trip you know."

Yes, we. She and I. Us.

I still had an hour to board the train and I was already in the right platform. All I had to do now was to wait; for the train and for her. I had no problem in waiting as it gave me a lot of time to think and ponder, observe people around me and simply talk without any inhibitions. It's really hard to be that way with another human being, given the fear of judgmental attitude that all of us seem to possess. I cannot callously speak about something and expect people to accept it as my point of view. Even though ideally that's how it should be, but its not how it is. Between what we are and who we should be, comes our society. I am really glad that I have two such personalities in my life. I can ramble on my thoughts, literally think out aloud and get away with it. I am not scared of being mocked up on for my line of thought nor am I scared of the fact that after I finish my rambling, my friends would think of me otherwise. It's a nice secured feeling.

She asked me if I was interested and I readily agreed as this was my day off. Each and every one of us starts off as a blank slate; be it relationship or otherwise. Over the years things get written and get committed to our memories. We make memories as we go along, sometimes documenting in a tangible way of pictures, journal entries, greeting cards, gifts, trinkets and sometimes these memories are safely hidden in the crevices of the brain. It's logical for a person to revisit these memories during the course of life. There was a time when I believed that hanging on to memories crippled me in way that slowed down my movement towards future. Off late I have realized that it's not too bad to revisit old conversations, read a year old journal entry; it gave me an entirely different perspective of myself. It scared and elated me at the same time. My actions have defined me what I am today. I remember my first conversation with her ten months ago. It wasn't one of my best days nor was I the best of company. If I remember correctly, I was contemplating on life, its meaning and my existence. Everything seems to have changed since then but everything still remains the same. I still challenge people for a bike race, I pull an all-nighter next to a patient with whom I am emotionally attached to, my parents still try to figure out what I am; but amidst all these, I have a friend whose sanity is alluring, I have a girlfriend in her to talk about everything and nothing and I have rest of my life to figure out what the heck is this life is all about. I might skid, fall down and scrape my knee during this journey, but I am sure either her or my friends or even my parents would be there to put a band-aid and offer me a hand to get myself up.

"You know, she asked me if I want to make some memories with her. For everything that has happened in last one year, for every board game that we have played and for every case that we have worked together, for every snack that we have shared, she wanted a memory that did not involve us being in hospital premises. I wasn't going to deny her that."

I was completely relaxed, stretched out on a bench, hands locked behind my head. I didn't hear her sitting next to me until she started waving train tickets in front of my face. I smiled a greeting and walked towards the waiting train. I was moving on, on to a different journey; it wasn't a good bye, a simple see-you-later. 

Once the train started moving, I heard a soft "Goodbye" amongst the other noises of the train machinery. I smiled and started talking to her. "Did you know that this place has…"

"The universe has a means of bringing all the things to a full circle. For some, this circle takes a short while and for some, this time is longer. It battles every day with every living and non-living thing to gain equilibrium of some sorts, a complete balance of everything; right and wrong, yin and yang, black and white, happiness and sorrow; as nothing is ever ideal or perfect, this is never attained and thus we have some being happy and some…not. I have seen that human life has more variables than absolute constants. Unlike constants, variables make life messy, unpredictable and make the results exciting. Till these variables exist, my story exists…and so do I."


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