Monday, 8 June 2020

part 1 : Darkness and Hope(os)

Looking at her dead like figure as she was sitting beside me, I couldn't help but feel like a total crap for not being there for her when she needed me the most. It wasn't something new but today she was looking the worst. How could he do this to her? Better I should ask myself "Why do I let her go through this again and again?"

And the answer to this question- coz she always forces me too. Isn't this what is stopping me from helping her.

I glance at her from the corner of my eyes as she is looking out of the window.

"Riddhima..." I whisper trying to gain her attention. She is still looking out of the window with no movement. It's like I am not even present for her.

"Riddhima.." I whisper once more, keeping my hand on hers lightly as I don't want to cause her any more pain then she is already suffering. She looks me, a smile plastered on her face. It's not a fake smile that she gives to everyone. With me, it's always the true emotions present on her face. For me she is like an open book. I know when she is lying and when she is truly happy. Talking about happiness, it's been so long that I have seen her laughing. Though she smiles at me but when was the last time she laughed and all I say is- I don't remember myself.

Somewhere I know I am responsible too for the situation she is in. If I hadn't... I wish I could take it back but I can't.

"Can we stop here for some time?" she asks in almost a whisper, still looking out of the window.  All I can do is nod as I stop the car. Getting out, I reach towards her side and open the door for her. Holding her hand lightly, I make her stand out of the car. She winces in pain for a second which she quickly replaces with a smile and this smile ' I know is not the real one.

I smile back, though my heart is crying looking at her condition but just for her sake. Holding hers in mine, we walk ahead. I walk as slow as possible just to be with her.

I know she knows how I feel whenever I look at her but it's like she has created an invisible wall around herself that she doesn't want anyone to break...not herself. She is scared- scared to know the outcome if I break the wall and just for her sake, I control myself.  I have tried talking to her countless number of times and every time her response- "It's my destiny". This was not the Riddhima I knew...the one who always ceased to surprise me with her actions. Even now the story is not very different except- earlier her actions used to bring a smile on our faces and now it's the complete opposite.

"I am tired can we sit..?." she whispers and holding her hand, I take her to the nearby seat. We are sitting in a park with not much people, only the darkness giving us the company. 'Darkness'- the only thing she wants in and around her life, the only thing I don't want around her and the only thing that is keeping her alive. "How darkness?" I asked her and she told me "I want darkness coz it allows me to be me. It stops people from finding faults in me and it's my only way of escaping the world coz in darkness they can't see me so they won't judge me." Hearing her, all I did was look at her in astonishment. The girl who hated darkness so much that she used to keep lights on when going to sleep now preferred darkness and if wasn't for me she would have kept herself locked in that complete darkness.     

There is silence all around us and I know how hard she is trying to control her emotions. Her hand which is still in mine is shaking even without her noticing. I press my other hand on hers lightly, telling her that I am there for her. I left her last time but not this time. It's a promise that I always tell her.

"Thank you..." the words come out of her lips and I turn to look at her. Like her lifeless body, her lifeless eyes bore into mine as I fake a smile at her coz this is what she wants me to do. Smile at her-just smile - give her the smile that she wants from others even if it's a fake one coz that makes her believe that her actions are right.

After a moment of silence, I hear the small sobs that she was trying so hard control. And this is the hardest part for me that I can't even confront her. Sitting this close to hers, all I can do is look at her as her sobs slowly turns into cries. Physically I may not touch her but mentally I try to give her as much strength as possible. 

She cries, cries harder and her every cry pierces my heart but all I can do is watch. Watch till there are no more tears left in her eyes.

"Feeling better.." I ask when I see her cleaning her face with the back of her hand. She nods and wipes her face and that smile is back on her face. We get up from the seat and make our way towards the car. Sitting inside, I start the car, glancing at her one last time as we make way towards her house which is nothing less than a hell.

Loads of love...


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