Friday, 19 June 2020

Part 10 : CLOSURE?TO BEGINNING

She was seating on the swing in the garden. Her eyes are closed. The soft breeze is caressing her long hairs making it dance with its melody. Some children are playing here and there but she is not noticing them instead she is lost in her own world.  Now a days it's became quite common for her to be lost and absentminded all the time. As if there is something that always keeps her captured in its grip. Today is not an exception. And moreover tomorrow being her date to leave everyone and everything behind she can not help but sit and go through her life once again.  She was recollecting all those past years of her life. How her life changed for what she never expected: how it taken the drastic turns all of a sudden. And that thought involuntarily leads her to the very cause of all these turns and twist. . HIM..



 His thought still sends a chill down her spine. Those eyes. Those grey-blue gorgeous eyes. They are so deep and enchanting. The same kind of shivers can still be felt within her body when she thought of them even now. They can keep anyone captivated till eternity. Just like her. Those eyes still haunt her every night in her dreams. Never letting her mind and heart to be in peace. She remembers how he enters her life and everything got changed abruptly. She went to Sanjeevani with one set goal and that is to get her own sister, the only family she has. But this one person made her forgot every single thing, even herself let alone her aim. She could never think of anything whenever he was close to her and she has strong doubts if she can be able to do that now also. She didn't even know when her heart went out of her control. Before she knew it was gone. It went to him and he never returned it back. He still has it with him. And she can do nothing about it.  The moments that she spent with him are still etched in her heart, still so fresh and still so vivacious that she can feel herself alive living in those memories. But all beautiful thing does not last long as her thoughts lead her to that day, that dreadful day, when her heart shattered into pieces.  That day she was so happy that she is going to tell him everything about her feeling. But she did not know what fate had in store for her. Everything changed in a matter of few hours.  She realized how destiny had mocked her dreams and hopes when she got to know that the person she loves so very much can never be hers. He is still madly in love with someone else and that too her own sister. And she felt like the biggest fool of the world to let her hopes go high even after knowing his past. She can not believe how of all the people she wanted to believe that he can move on. She can not help but smile sarcastically at her over enthusiastic foolish heart that after reading his diary, after knowing the depth of his feelings; the extent of his love for her sister ,it still dared to dream about their being together. On that day, for the matter of fact she knew that everything is going to change. She can not keep on acting of being his friend anymore. She has to run, run from Sanjeevani, run from him and run from her own self, if possible.  And that's how she landed here.



Going through all those aching memories once again her heart shudders. An inexplicable pain erupted there. The cut in her heart is so deep that the wound is still not hilled, infact is very much raw. And a tear trickles down her cheeks. 'Why me ?.  . . . .why it's always me?' she thought painfully. She remembered what her Bua told her today morning. Her Bua still thinks she is making a wrong decision. 'She won't understand. . . .she never will" a sad smile comes to her face. Her Bua can never understand why she wants to go away from here. Here every thing gave her his feeling. He had come here so many times and his essence is still lingering in air. She can't breathe here. She feels suffocated.  It's like his memory is chasing her everywhere. And she is tired of all this running. Very much tired.  She just wants to go away. Far, far away from here. Where his shadow can not reach her. Where his memories won't haunt her. But is it possible? She doesn't know the answer.





She knows her Bua is right on saying to tell Riddhima everything but she also knows that it will only increase problems. She wants her sister to be happy and she wants HIM to be happy and if hiding her little truth can keep them content so what's the harm? She is always a lonely girl and lived her life all alone and faced every situation on her own. So, she can still do it. She does not want to create any unnecessary trouble in her Di's life. Because if she now tells her everything there will be so many unwanted questions and the answers may be much more unwanted. If she can't hide her feelings, things can get worse and more over she does not think she can be able to face him. No, she is still not ready. She can't stand him without giving away her feelings to him and it will be like betraying her own sister. She can never be that selfish just to get what she needs. She admits that sometimes her heart did rebelled. One part of her heart raised too many questions. Why would always she be the one to loose? Why would life be always unfair only to her? Why can't she get what she wants? Why would Riddhima be the only one to get lucky every time ? Didn't her Di has everything a loving family, caring friends, happiness and all other materialistic pleasures? So, is it will be very much to ask one thing for herself? She never really had anyone to love so, is it will be too cruel to ask for that one man who taught her what love is? And whom she loved with all her life? Can't God just give him to her?  But when better judgment prevailed, the other part of her heart reprimands her for such thoughts. It makes her see that she can never claim what was never hers but at the same time she got astonished with herself and her own thoughts. Is it not her Di that she always only craved for? The only family that she has. Is it not always her life's aim to get close to Riddhima?  To get the sisterly love that she had seen her Di to shower on Anjali. Did she not want to be in place of Anjali? Then when did it all changed? When all her needs and desire started to revolve around that one man, who never really needed her in his life? Who never really cared for her? And moreover never did love her. The painful realization struck her hard that those few days of Sanjeevani had actually changed everything in her life. Her craving, her desire, her hope, her wish, her love everything has turned its direction only to him. It's not that she now does not want her Di, but her heart's yearning for him is much more stronger, too stronger for her to control the intensity of it.. Her longing for him is so powerful that she doubts that even having her Di, can't decrease the heart wrenching pain of his rejection. And it's making her afraid of her vulnerability. She does not want to fall weak. She can not stand his eyes which will never hold love for her. And seeing him with some one else and that too her own sister, will be like hell to live in. 'No . . . I can't live here. I have to go. .Far from here, Far from him, very much far' She again reinforced her decision firmly. 'You will never get ur sister', her mind retorted, 'But it will be good for every one .' her heart answers. 'What about Armaan? Will he not feel cheated if u go like that breaking the promise?' Her head again asked. 'Armaan,. . . he is never  going to know about my leaving. His happiness is what I care, not any promise. I will not let any problem in his and my Di's life and that too for me. It will go as it is going. . . And I will make sure of that'her heart tries to dominate her brain.





  'But what about u?' This time her heart falters to answer. Really, what about her? Does her leaving will solve every problem of her? Will she be able to leave everything behind? Will she be able to forget him, his memories, just by going away? She remembers Sid's words. But is it possible for her? Can she be that much strong? Have not she already tried of forgetting everything and move on? Infact she is trying every day and every moment of her life to look ahead. But every time she takes one step forward some unknown power pulls her ten steps back. She does not know what it is. But it is really strong and powerful.  What is it? A hope that she can still has his love!! 'No..' her heart answered. She definitely doesn't expect that. Then what is it? She is confused .Didn't her mind already knew and accepted that she can never get what she wants? Does she not know that it will be a never ending journey of pain for her?  Does not she already realized that from now on she will hav to live a life that will be full of darkness, where her heart will be shackled and every door of light and air will be closed? . . .Yes. . . her heart knows all of this ,but then what it is that her heart is still hoping for? What is it expecting?





 " Shilpa. . .", a voice from behind startles her and breaks her chain of thoughts. Her eyes flew open. The voice sounded very familiar. Infact she is craving to hear this voice from how many days, she lost the counting. But is it real? Or she is just imagining her voice? Can she be here? Her heart starts beating two beats at a time and before her confusion takes the better of her "Shilpa. . ." the voice sounds again. She sat up off the swing and slowly turned to her back. There she IS. Though she is standing at a distance from her but she can't be mistaking the figure. She can bet her life on it. It is her, Riddhima, her Di. But what is she doing here? Being dazed she comes forward to her in slow movement. There are hundreds of questions and doubts that are hovering in her brain. She came in front of her "Dr. Riddima. . ." She asks shakily. But Riddhima just stands there looking at her fixedly. Her doubts get increased seeing the now misty eyes of Riddhima but all her confusion gets the confirmed answer when she sees HIM.. He is coming out from the car with a bunch of children tugging at his arm. So, what she has feared is right. But why did he do it? And how the hell did he know that she is here? Before she can think the answer, her attention from him diverts as she feels a soft touch on her cheek.  She looks back at Riddhima who is in tears by now and is caressing her face with sisterly love and affection. She holds Riddhima's hand and Riddhima at once pulled her in a hug placing frequent kisses on her head.



Shilpa's emotions also get out of control and she hugged her tight. She can't believe that Riddhima came to her; she can't believe she is in the arms of her sister; she can't believe she is living her dream; she can't believe she is having a family. All her wait is getting over and she still can't believe it.  To her it all seems like a dream, a beautiful dream or an imagination of her distressed brain. She closes her eyes tightly thinking if she opens her eyes it all will vanish. She clutched to her with all her might as if to never let go. Tears are flowing freely from both there eyes. But now they are of happiness. They are washing away all the pent up emotions in both of them.



 After some time when their emotions get under control Riddhima parts and holds Shilpa's chin up while her eyes still remain closed. Riddhima smiles looking at the innocent face of her. She has closed her eyes so tightly that it seems she does not want to look up ever. "Shilpa. . .open ur eyes"  Riddhima softly whispers to her.



" No. . . I won't. . .if I looks up …u will vanish"  she replies innocently about her biggest fear.



Riddhima can not help but smile hearing about her reason. She still thinks that I am a dream? " Shilpa. . .open ur eyes. . .I am not any dream. . .I will not vanish. . .it's all real Shilpa. . .U just have to open ur eyes and accept it. . ." she tells her placing a soft kiss on her forehead.



That touch of her soft lips gives Shilpa the proof that it all but truth. All this is happing in real.  And it gives her the power to open her eyes and she does.  Her eyes open to the new reality of her life where she sees her Di in front of her. A smile spreads on her face though her eyes give away the new set of tears.  Riddhima very affectionately wipes away them and caresses her face lovingly. "Why didn't u tell me Before.? . why?." Riddhima can not help but complain painfully. Has she not hid it and also made others to keep it a secret, it would have been much before that she would have got a sister like Shilpa. She surely is going to repent for the lost time.



"I am sorry Di. . . pls forgive me. . ."  and she crashes to her sisters chest. She is finding her solace and refuge there while Riddhima sooths her stroking her hairs. Riddhima smiles to herself that at least everything is not lost.



Armaan is standing at some distance and watching this sisterly reunion. He knows Shilpa is angry with him. He has seen her reprimanding glare but he doesn't care. She could never understand his situation. Could she? He has tried enough to keep up with her promise. But if she can do break it so can he.  And it all but resulted in good.  And now he is happy that he has taken this decision. He has already wasted so much time but not any more. Not now. Everything has to be shorted out and he prays that it will. But for now all he can say that what ever happened is all worth it as he can see the extent of happiness in both of their eyes. Everything else in the world can wait now.

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