Saturday, 20 June 2020

Part 11 : CLOSURE?TO BEGINNING

He was searching for her everywhere. She has been ignoring him since morning.. He has to see her; to talk to her .he has to apologize to her. He has to ..He must. Otherwise he has to bear the guilt his whole life and he can not let her do that...  From the time he had seen her, he has noticed some changes in her, some major one. Gone was the bubbly, chirpy, full of life and no-nonsense girl, it has been replaced by a somber, silent, lost and aloof girl, the one he could not identify now. It seems like she is a new girl all of a sudden who has isolated herself from the rest of the world.  Her eyes don't shine now, there is no mischief in them; her smile didn't reach her eyes, making it look like fake when ever she tried to smile. The girl who always made others smile, have forgot to smile herself. It looks like there is no one, even if she is there in the room. He has to know the reason, though somewhere in his mind he knows it has to be him. And that part of his mind making him restless. But her continuous ignoring is not helping it anyway.  She always looks like running away from him, which is making his work all the more difficult. But he has to find her .He was looking at some direction when he bumped into someone. They both are about to fall when he hold that person from waist and stabled himself from falling.



Shilpa was going to her room unconseously. She has been running from him since the time they came here. And the fact that Armaan seems like wants to talk to her making it harder for her to avoid him.  Though she is happy, too happy initially to have her sister back, but the happiness is turned to fear by now. With him there with her Sister making it painful to watch them together. And she is afraid if she can't hold back her feelings to him. Her sister is here, and will she be able to forgive herself if something wrong happens? So it's better to avoid him than to make any mistake at this point of time when she is getting what she never expected. She was lost at her thoughts so she could not notice who was in front and she bumped into him. As soon as the person's hand touches her waist she knows who it is.  The shiver in her body is enough to make her realize his touch. .So much for running. Her mind mocked her. Her eyes opened and it got struck to the blue ones. They are still so much deep like ocean, an ocean of emotions. She forgets everything around herself. It still has so much power to affect her this way. She can see that his eyes depicted the feeling of being shocked at first then it turned to recognition and then to embarrassment. Embarrassed!!!!!! And he seems to say something. .What? She jolted out to reality. She realized that she didn't even have noticed when he made her stand on her feet. It now embarrassed HER to no end. She just wants the earth to swallow her.





 Armaan was shocked initially to bump to someone but when he looked at the person his heart felt a relief. Al last he has found her. He smiled looking at her but she didn't respond. She was just staring at him. Suddenly he becomes conscious of their position. So he immediately makes her stand and got embarrassed at the fact. He looks at her to apologize but find her eyes still boring into him. As if she is searching for something but he cannot meet her gaze so he sifted his eyes uncomfortably and tries to make some conversation. "Umm.Shilpa . . " he tries to break the awkwardness. " I am sorry. . . havn't seen u coming."





It feels like as if she just woke for a deep sleep. Her stance broke with a jolt and she fumbles to steady herself." Uh. . . Armaan. . woh. . .actually .I am sorry. . . .I was not looking. . ." she said all embarrassed at her stupidity. Why it's always so hard to control herself in front of him?



" It's ok, Shilpa. . .I was actually looking for u."



" For me?." though  she knows that very well but tried to act unknown



" Yea. . . Shilpa , . .woh. . .I want to talk to u. . ." He hesitates a little before coming to the point.



" Now.?" She is not at all ready to talk to him now.



" Yea. . .can we?." He asks her with hope.



 She just wants to get out of this place; no way she is going to talk to him about what happened before. She looks for some good excuses but nothing came. She curses her brain and blurted whatever comes to her tongue,  " Woh. . .I am sorry Armaan. . .But right now I am busy. . .we will talk some other time. . .ok.?" she tries to slip from there.



He knew she is trying to avoid him but still he tried once again, "  Shilpa . . . .it is really important."



"But. . ." she tries to reason.



"Pls Shilpa. . . .why r u ignoring me ?" he asks exasperated. He have had enough of this avoiding game. Why doesn't she understand that it is important? Till when she would run away? How far? She has to face it sometime or other. The earlier, the better.



"Ignoring? . . . .No. . ..Armaan. . .I wasn't. ." she again wants to avoid this question. Her patient is at the edge now. Why he hav to ask such questions that she can't answer? Why just he doesn't let her live in peace? Isn't it enough that she had  to go away from everyone for him that he again come back to her asking some stupid questions whose answer he himself knows very well? Or was it thrilling for him to hear it from her mouth?



"U  wasn't ha?" he asked sarcastically. " So . . who is running around all the time  just to not talk to me. ."



"Ok fine. . . I am avoiding u. . .but even if I did ,why do u care. . .?" she snapped. Her patience enough tested.



" Shilpa. . .?" he asks startled.



"Sorry  Armaan. . .But u made me say this. . .why u showing all the concern now?. . . u didn't even understand my feel . . ." she suddenly stopped realizing what she was going to blurt out in anger and he lowers his face realizing fully what she trying to say but isn't it the reason he is trying to apologies to her for which she didn't even giving him the time .He knew he was a jerk but that's why he is ashamed of himself .If he only realized it earlier he shouldn't  have let her have any expectation from him and that should have prevented this unnecessary heart break  But it all happened. And all this is caused by his ignorance. So he is to be accused and though he may not deserve to be forgiven but she should at least give him the chance to ask for one.



 Shilpa immediately steadied herself," Armaan. . .I have just requested u one thing and u could not even keep one promise?' she still put up her angry pretence to avoid the awkwardness that her words created.



" Shilpa . . .before blaming me. . .don't u think u r also at fault here?." He retorts back this time. It is not him who is always at fault. Who is always at the wrong side. Here she has actually used the trust that he has on her. Then why he is blaming him now?



" My fault?." She looks shocked.



" Yea. . .ur fault. . .If I remember correctly, U have  also promised me that u will inform me. . . But here. . .u r going. . .without even telling me to where . . .so, what should I supposed to do.?" He laid his reason successfully.



" U. . .u . . Should have waited. . ."she fumbles knowing what he is saying is correct. For the matter of fact, If he was to blame, she is as guilty as charged.



" How long Shilpa?. . .Isn't the two and a half years are long enough. . . I  don't know what your reason is , all I know is this,  it is Riddhima's right to know about u and it is your right to have ur sister. . .so . . .I thought I had enough of waiting  and didn't wanted to wait more………" He is taking his steps slowly.  He wants her to open up to him but at the same time he doesn't want to hurt her anymore by saying something stupid. He has to be careful with her. She seems quite vulnerable to him. As much as he wants to make her face the realty, he himself knows how much pain it can bring.



" But . . .but u should have informed me. . ." she bit her lips immediately after saying that. And he jumped at this point

"

"Inform u ?. . .really? . . .and how should I supposed to do that. . .can u tell me Shilpa?." He demands almost sarcastically.



" U should. . ..Ummm. . .U. . .should. . ."she fumbles. She knows she can't answer that. And by the look of his face it can be deciphered that he knows the fact also.



" Exactly  Shilpa . . .Now u know how u have left me with no other choice." He paused and then continues, "True friend and true love can never be far away. . .isn't it what u told me that day. . .What happens to that ?. . U have gone so much away from us. . . U didn't take my calls, u did not visited any of us and even when I came here u never came out . . ..and. . . Don't look shocked (looking at her wide eyes). . . I knew u was always here. . .what is that Shilpa. . . ? did u forget us so easily ?" he wanted to know sadly. Though he never told or admitted to himself but he had missed her. He knows it now even better seeing her after so many times. She is a friend he valued and respected. She was the only person who was there for him when he was in darkness and has no hope for a life. She with all her actions had made a special place in his heart which he can never forget. It is not love for sure. Every feeling can not be termed as love. But it is strong. May be because somewhere he can identify himself with her. May be somewhere she resembles him. . . .

 She looks at his eyes and thought, 'What should I tell u Armaan? . . That I did not have the courage to face u ; to look at your eyes which will never have the love that I have for u. . .That I could not see the man I love can never be mine. . .I can't do that. .  Only God Knows How much I have craved for seeing you or hear ur voice once. . . No one knows how many times I have called u from different numbers just to hear ur voice. I always watched u form the window shutters when ever u came here. I wanted to shout that 'I am here Armaan'. . .Just wanted to run to u with all my force but never got the strength to even come out in front of u….I can not tell u all this   Armaan . . .Never."



"Hello. . .where r u ?"  he moves his hand before her seeing her looking at him but was lost somewhere with a sad smile on her face.  "u know, I have asked u something?." He asks in a demanding tone.



"Wo . . .actually. .I was b. . . busy . . .u know . . .work pressure and all. . .I never had the time." She fumbles more not meeting his eyes. She can not tell him the real reason. Can she?



 'How stupid it for me to ask her such question?' he thought about his foolishness seeing her trying to lie to him ' Don't u know the answer urself? ' his mind mocks him. Yes , he knows the reason but somewhere he also knows that he hav missed her. May be that's why he asked her this.  Before he was so used to her being at his side after even pushing her away that somehow he became ignorant of the fact the she can be hurt too. She was so uncomplaining that he unconseously used to believe he can say whatever he want to her. Then when gradually they become friends he realized what a jem of a person she is and he started to value her friendship in his life. He started to believe that he got a friend to lean on to. Who can be his strength. So some how he felt he has some right on her. And at the moment of asking her that question he had forgotten that the equation between them has now been changed. Everything is not the same anymore. He has always seen her with the eyes of an invader of his privacy at first and then as a friend. But in all that he hav forgot see her as a women. If only he was not so full of himself those days then all this painful outcome could hav been avoided. That thought lead him to the realization of how much his insensitivity and ignorance has caused the situation that they are in now.  It cost him a friend. He can not do the same mistake again and again. He doesn't want to hurt her again. He decided not to put her in tiff and just ask her for apology. He lowers his head and sobers his tone. "It's ok .Shilpa. . . .I understand . . .u. . .don't have to lie. . .But I have to tell u some thing. . .U know. . . I wanted to tell u this before also. . ." he hesitantly mumbles, Why is it so difficult to think properly and put words together when ever its needed the most?  Whatever the reality maybe or however it is important to be told, Why does he always felt short of words whenever he thinks that the person on receiving end will be hurt by his words? But what has to be said must be said. Though he himself doubts that citing an apology will ease the situation but he can at least try. And if she forgiven him ,which is quite impossible, then only the way of further talk will open for him. So he hopes against hope that she will give him a chance to clear the mess which he hav unknowingly created. So, he takes in a long breath and continues,   "But u never gave me a chance . . .Shipa , . .ummm. . .I. . .I. . know, What I have done can't be forgiven but if. .."



" Armaan . . .Umm. . .I think  Bua is calling me . . ." he looks startled being interrupted and opens his mouth to protest but"I will talk to u later . . .ok " She says him in hurry not giving him any time to think of anything to stop her.



"But Shilpa listen. . .Shilpa . . .Shilpa . ." He tries to stop her by calling her back but she ran away from there living him stunned and disturbed.



" Damn . . ." he punches the wall frustrated and then leans on the wall itself closing his eyes ' May be I deserve this. . . .but I don't want to loose a friend like u Shilpa. . .pls just hear me once. . .'  he thought.









She runs into her room and locks the door behind with a bang as if shutting the rest of the world outside this wooden barrier. She stands against the door breathing heavily but then slowly slums down crying, ' I know Armaan, what u r trying to say. . .but please .don't say it. . Why can't u understand that I can never regret what happened. . .I loved u and I still do.  I never knew what love is. .U r the one who taught me what it feels to be in love  . . . it is the best feeling of the world . . .So what if it gave me nothing but pain but still I can not but love u more   . . . I was a fool when I thought that being away from u will let me forget u. . . .but every second I found u more close to me and now my every heart beat has ur name. . .Believe me Armaan  . .I have tried hard to move on but something always push me back. . . . .I know that u can never love me back but that can't stop me from loving u. . .I don't expect anything in return . . ur happiness is all I want. . .and u are  happy with Riddima . . .So am I  . .Armaan  . . .so am I . . pls don't make it more complicated. . ..'she sobbed lying on the floor uncontrollably  .Gradually after a very long time she gained some control over her fragile state of mind . Her sobs subsided and she slowly gets up to a sitting position leaning against the door. Suddenly she hears some music coming from outside. May be someone has turned the radio on. She knows the song very well; she had heard it many a times. But at this given point of time she can not help but feel each and every word of this song. . . .



Khudaya ve. . .hayee. .

Isqk hai kaisa yea ajeeb re. . .(2)



She sat there closing her eyes thinking about her and Armaan's collision few minutes before. How she tried to avoid him all day, but all in vain. As if her own destiny is playing against her every effort. She is stumbling at her every step.



Dil ke kareeb laya

Dil ka naseeb re (2)

Khudaya ve. . .hayee

Isqk hai kaisa yea ajeeb. .







Wiping her tears she gets up and goes to the window from where she can see the whole garden. It is almost evening .Shilpa sees Riddhima is seating there with her head on Bua's shoulder. Bua is stroking her hair lovingly and talking to her which she thought more of a consoling as she can feel that Riddhima is crying. Shilpa's lips curled to give away a content smile at the scene but it readily vanishes when she painfully realizes that she has to leave these two very special women of her life. How did she forget that she gain something only to loose that in next moment? She does not have the right to be happy. "Happiness and me, are friends no more" she smile sardonically as Armaan's words again rang in her heart. She thinks how once she mocked his words but now it has became the reality of her own life.



Ankon se khwab ruthe,

Apno ka sath chute,

Tapti hue rahon main,

Pairo ke chale fute. . .







 She hears some childrens sound and saw some of them dragging Armaan with them while he is refusing. May be asking him for playing with them and the mere sight of him shattered her once again. The control she gained some time ago is again at the verge of collapsing. She tried very hard to keep her emotion in check. Not to break down again but to no avail as a fresh cascade of tears flows down her eyes without her permission. She saw Armaan stumbles over something and as an instinct she starches her hand through her window to hold him but on the next second she realized that she can't do that and with a sore heart she saw Riddhima running towards him and taking care of him. It is just like an irony of life that how close he is to her yet so far. She can not even extend her hands for him.



Pyase tarap rahe hai

Sahil kareeb re

Pyase tarap rahe hai

Sahil Kareeb re

Khudaya ve. . .hayee

Isqk hai kaisa yea ajeeb. .





 She turns against the window and clutches her heart. It's paining too much. She is again feeling suffocated. She wants to throw her heart out so that it can not give her this much pain again. She runs to her bed and hiding her face in the pillow cries her heart out



Ansoo namak se lage. .

Riste hai kacche dhage.

Reth pe apne saye

Khud se kue dur bhage. . .(2)





She wonders how all the things turned out. She never in her life had thought that she would feel for someone so strong that it will make her forget every other relation she have and for her always so 'blissful' fate, she can't even have that person to herself.  Now at this moment it seems like she always tries to hold sand in her palm or even better she had tried to chase and catch a shadow. Such is the joke of destiny.

.

Khinch ke hamko laya

Kahan pe rakeeb re. .

Khinch ke hamko laya

Kahan pe rakeeb re

Khudaya ve. . .hayee

Isqk hai kaisa yea ajeeb. . .



The song fades away with the miffed sound of her cries. . .

Roshni

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