Wednesday, 24 June 2020

Part 15 : CLOSURE?TO BEGINNING

The commotion behind starts to fade away as his car takes speed. The morning started like some ceremony when every little child at the orphanage came to bid Shilpa good bye with flowers and chocolates. Bua had cried so much and it takes Shilpa's every effort to pacify her and after lot of consoling and promising to keep in touch they bid Shilpa farewell with heavy heart. But now there is absolute and awkward silence prevailing in the car .Armaan is trying to concentrate hard on driving but his eyes darted to Riddhima who is sitting beside him but looking outside the window. He knew that she is trying to control her tears .In the morning when she came to him, He was really surprised to see her very silent. He remembered that he had not slept at all in the night with the past memories all jumbling up his head and the anxieties of what kind of convo they are having. He was really eager to know if Riddhima had succeeded in making her stay with them. But when Riddhima just said that they have to start early for the airport he was more than shocked. He wanted to ask her so much but she seemed in no mood to answer his queries. She was all lost in some thoughts and just silently
getting ready to go. He was not been able to control his frustration and anger which he is suffering now from many days and shook her holding her shoulder when she was not giving any answer even after his continuous request. But then when she looked at him the inexplicable pain in her eyes stopped him at once and she slides down holding him crying loudly. He at once became alert and knelt down in front of her and she immediately warped her arms around his neck pulling him closer to her and socking his shirt with her tears. "I could not. . stop her. . .i can't . . .I have to let go of her for her. . .her life. . . She deserves better. . ."  Armaan stroked her hair while putting occasional kisses on her head. He was at loss of words to console her and decided that sometimes it better to let out the emotions. So he let her cry on his shoulder. As much painful the truth is for them but they both knew it in their heart that Shilpa has taken the right decision and it is only going to be good for her to be away from this very country to a new environment. As they both very well acquainted with the pain Shilpa is currently going through. More over they knew she won't be alone from now on and if she needs them sometime in life they will be always with her.

 Lost in his thoughts his eyes darted to the rearview mirror and his eyes locked with Shilpa. She is looking towards him through it. But as soon as his eyes catch her she looks away outside the window. He can see the lone tear that trickles down her face which she tried to hide. He sighs in his mind. It is going to be tough for her. Very tough and he wish that he can do something to take away that pain from her eyes. Though before, at times he tired to think that it is just an attraction from her side which will go away with time. But he couldn't have been more wrong. As the time passed by he became sure of the seriousness of her feelings. Her continuous avoiding and not talking to him only proves that. So he didn't want to bother her. But it is only after coning here that he has understood the intensity of her feelings towards him. He has seen it in her eyes at the time of his collision with her and now also. There is too much of helplessness. Helplessness in love; helplessness of not getting it back; helplessness of can not able to be doing anything for it .There is hurt, pain, anguish all mixed up . He was really astonished of how she is holding so much in her.  He could not meet her strong and piercing gaze.  He can do nothing but feel guilty for all this. She is much elder to him but all he can do is to respect this girl. It takes lots of gut to be like her..

As the noises of all the children fades away Shilpa turns her gaze in front of her. She can see Riddhima in the front passenger seat looking outside the window. She very well knows why she avoided sitting beside her. As then she can't be able to hold her tear back and Shilpa had taken a promise from her not to cry. So Riddhima is desperately trying to avoid looking at her.  She smiles at the thought and then her eyes darted to Riddima's next. The driver's sea, and there he is seated trying really hard to concentrate at the road ahead. His jaw tightened and eyes keenly looking at the road. She looks at the rear view mirror for the better view of those eyes. Will they still going to hunt her all her life? Will she be able to move on? She know she will try but will the trying will be successful? She is horrified at the aspect of being chased by those eyes but still why they still feel so enchanting and captivating? Those blue orbs are so magnificent and royal that she can spend her life looking at them.  But suddenly she brought out from her thought from a loud horn from another car only to notice that those blue spheres are now looking at her from the same rear view mirror. She snatched her eyes from the mirror and looked outside but can not able to hold a single drop of tear that rolls down her cheek. With her coming back to the real world she can not but realize the irony of the situation, the man, whom she wanted to spend her life with is now himself taking her out of his life. In order to divert her mind she puts on the earplug of her ipod and shuffles through her song list. Her eyes stopped at a particular song and she plays it taking in every word of it. Every word of this song depicts her feeling and she can not but closes her eyes thinking down the line. . .



Hu huhu huhuhu hu.. .

Hu huhu huhuhu hu(2)

Tune jo na kahan main wo sunta raha,

Khamokha bewaja kwab bunta raha. . .

Hu huhu huhuhu hu.. .

Hu huhu huhuhu hu(2)

Tune jo na kahan main wo sunta raha,

Khamokha bewaja kwab bunta raha. . .



She was brought back to those days of Sanjeevani. Her times with him. When he became friend with her, That Teej festival, his comment of how lucky her husband would be to hav her, Those smiles, all those gestures that she thought as a sign of his moving on with life and all those little interaction on which she had built her castle of love where only two of them will live happily ever after. And at last all of them remained only as some shattered piece of her beautiful dream.



Jane kiski hame lag gaye hain najar

Is saher main na apna thikana raha

Dur chahat se main apne chalta raha

Kwamokha bewaja khwab bunta raha…



That day, that horrific day, when everything came to nothing. How can she forget that day? The viewing gallery, those decorations, those beautiful flowers, that environment and then. . . the letter to Riddhima from him. At that very moment she saw everything change before her own eyes, the curtain from her eyes are thrown and the light of truth blinded her. She was left shattered with heart wrenching agony for her lost hopes. And then she for sure knew that she no longer belongs to there.







 Dard pahele se hai jyada

Khud se fir yea kya wada,

Khamosh najre rahe istarha

Baton main paheli se baten hai,

Bolo to lab thartharate hain,

Raz yea dilka na ho bayan



Her thought leads her to those days after she left Sanjeevani. Her every breathing moment became a living hell. It's not that she was not acquainted with sorrows of life but that time she felt there is actually no life left. Being a strong girl she had promised herself not to cry for him anymore but every time failed miserably. How she just wanted to scream her heart out but her voice chocked at her throat before even coming out.



Ho gaya hain asar koi ham pe nahi

Hamsafar main to hain , hamsafar hain nahi

Dur jata raha , pass aata raha

Kwamokha bewaja khwab bunta raha…



How her every attempt failed her to go away from his memories. With every effort she found him more and more closer to her. It is as if he is residing in her whole being. . .







Aaya fir wo najar aise ,

Bat chirne lagi firse,

Ankhon main chuvta kal ka dhuan. . .



And now he is back again in front of her eyes and is arousing all those feelings once again which she tried to bury with so much pain. It is somehow again making her heart to beat faster in some hopeless hope.



Hal tera na ham sa hain,

Is khusi main kue gam sa hain?

Basne laga kue fir wo jahan?



 Its not that she is not happy for him, infact she is more than rejoiced that he has got what he wanted , what he deserved but how she can ignore the pain of her unattainable desire which revolves around only him?



Wo jahan jinse aage gaye the nikal,

Firse yaadon main karti hain jaise pahel

Lamha bita hua, dil dukhata raha

Kwamokha bewaja khwab bunta raha…



Every thing said and done, she can not but admit that with his arrival she was compelled to think and live in those days of her life that she desperately wants to go ahead from. It's like he is back with all her past with him which is in everyway tearing her apart. The pain is unfathomable.





Tune jo na kahan main wo sunta raha,

Khamokha bewaja kwab bunta raha. . .

Jane kiski hame lag gaye hain najar

Is saher main na apna thikana raha

Dur chahat se main apne chalta raha

Bujh gaye aag thi, dag jalta raha. . . .



And now she is going, far, far away from him searching for a new life. New country, new people, new environment, every thing will be new. But will she be able to be a new person all together? Only time will tell. But one thing is for sure that she is going with lots of memories, some good, some bad, and some are the most painful, and it will stay with her forever.

 ..................................................
In all these thoughts the time flew by and they don't know when they reached the airport. It was like every one of them jolted out of their respective trance when his car stopped at airport. End of the journey, but for the first time in their life they didn't felt happy to reach the destination.  They all came out of the car with a heavy heart and started to walk towards the main gate of airport in silence with Armaan at front with all the luggage ,Shilpa and Riddhima following him . Shilpa is lost in some unknown world and walking as if in a daze but her eyes were unknowingly looking towards Armaan.. It's like she is going more far form him with each and every step she is taking forward and that did not go unnoticed by the keen eyes of Riddhima. Suddenly Riddhima stops at midway and called Armaan. Armaan turns back and came to her. "Armaan I don't think I can go in there.  . Can u pls take her to the Airport.?. . .I will stay at car. . ."  Riddhima told Armaan hesitantly.



Armaan looks startled at her request and Shilpa comes to her at once "What happened Di ? . . are u alright. .?" .she asks concerned.



 " Yes Riddhima r u alright?" Armaan Echoed Shilpa's question. What happened to her all of a sudden?



Riddhima looks at Shilpa teary eyed and caresses her cheek with sisterly love. "Yes. . . I am alright . . .but I don't think I can see her go . . .Pls Armaan can u do me this fever?" she replies in whisper and looks up at him expectantly only to see his eyes narrowing.



 Shilpa's eyes get misty and she hugs Riddhima tightly. She also doesn't know if she can go seeing her there. It will get tougher for her then. "I love u Di . . .I am sooo gonna miss u. . ." Her body shakes up sobbing at her shoulder. How she is going to miss her.





Riddhima rubs her back lovingly and then said almost in whisper in her ear " Shilpa . . .u'll have this time . . .pls let it out . . ."then talks in audible voice" I will miss u too. . ."  smiling at her tearfully.



Shilpa stood there flabbergasted. Her tears dried out of shock. Did what she heard is right? But what does that mean? She looks at Riddhima's eyes and she sees a kind of encouragement there. As if she wants her to do something but what is that thing? She doesn't know what to say or how to react.



Riddhima kisses her forehead lovingly. " Give us a call when u reach there ok? . .Take care of urself . .Don't work too much and eat and sleep on time. . .I don't want u to be careless of urself and if I got to know that u r not following my words u will be on the next flight back here . . .understand??" She rambled on like a big sister about her what to do and don't list. Shilpa just stands there stunned, puzzled, confused and with a warm feeling at the same time inside her. She just nods her head as she is unable to do anything else. For the first time in her life she felt special and needed and it was such an overwhelming feeling. She now has a family to look back to. "And If u need anything just call us . . .we are always there for u . . ."she finishes with the strong meaning that she is no more alone in this world.



 "I know Di . . .I know. . ." She again hugs her overwhelmed with all the emotion she is feeling now. She never had felt so much happiness before and it is getting hard for her to hold herself back.



After they part Armaan said in a firm and cold tone " Shilpa can  u stand here for a min? . . I will just come leaving her to the car . . "



Shilpa nods quite surprised at his tone and before Riddhima could protest he almost dragged her to the car. "Why r u doing this?" he asks almost immediately they reaches the car.



She looks startled." What am I doing?" she asks



. " Riddhima don't pretend. . .I know there is more to it. . .it's not just that u can't see her going. . .U know she will be needing her sister there, more than me. . .So, I want to know what it is?" He frowns. He somehow got the feeling that Riddhima is doing that in purpose to leave them alone and the thought only confusing him. What she actually trying to do.



 Riddhima knew that he can see right through her. As always, she thought. She comes close to him and put her palm on his cheek lovingly. "U r wrong Armaan . . .As far as I know she will be needing u more there than me. . . Armaan . .she needs to let it out. . .Can't u see how she is holding herself back?? . .How it is paining her?? . and still she is holding it in her heart. . .it is not going to be good for her. . .it will never let her live in peace. . .So I want her to speak her heart up. . . it's the high time . . .and she can't do it  if I am with u. . .so I am giving her the time  . ." she told him earnestly. Through out the journey to Airport she was recalling her talks with Shilpa. And after going through it she came to this conclusion that to be truly happy Shilpa have to be in peace with her heart and feelings and in order to do so she have to let all those things out that she had hidden in her heart till now. Last night her talk with Shilpa had given her some relief but she knows that it is not enough, she have to take it all out. And that can't be done without Armaan. She had only been able to clear the webs and weeds from the path of Shilpa's door of heart, But the key to lock of that door is not with her. It is with Armaan. She has only given it to him. And only he can open the lock and set her heart free.



" But Riddhima. . ." he tries to reason. He knows what she is saying is right but He does not know if it will be right or wrong.



And as if she had read his mind ,she told him" There is no but Armaan. . .Don't think if its right or wrong. . .A life is more precious than these social norms . . .U r the one who taught me this ,isn't it?. . .Armaan,I trust u and I trust her. . .she has done so much . . .she has bared so much. .  just to see us happy . ..I cant give her what she realty need but I can do this much for her. I want to . . .u can also do this much for her. . . Armaan, I love u and nothing is going to change that fact. . .but I also respect her feeling  and want to support her in her journey for the new life. . . and I want u to help me in that. ." She uttered all these looking strait in his eyes. She knows he is thinking about her. And yes it is difficult for her to even think that she is encouraging Armaan to make a girl talk about her love for him. In normal circumstances she won't allow a girl even in ten miter radius of Armaan. But here the thing is so totally different. Here the persons she thinking about are Shilpa and Armaan and she trust them on her life not because she loved them but because they have earned that trust for themselves from her. Here there is no jealousy, no insecurity, no fear, just an inner call to help that girl to live her life; to make the path easy for a new direction of her life. That's what a family does for u. And she is going to do the same and she knows Armaan will be there beside her in her every effort.



" Busket r u sure. . .??" He again tries to confirm. He wonders how big a heart she has and is stunned and overwhelmed with the amount of trust she laid on him. Who is not going to love this girl? She deserves every bit of happiness and he is going to ensure that he provides her all that. He felt proud that he has her in his life, for himself.



" Yes Armaan . . .I am sure. . .and moreover, I never can see u guilty. . .I can't see u live with a guilt of hurting someone all ur life. . .it will hurt me. . .we can't take back what we hav done but we can make things better for future, right? . .u wanted to do something for her so I am also giving u the time . . .and don't worry I will be alright. . .I'll be waiting for u right here. . .now pls go. . ." she said smiling assuring him while hinting him with eyes to go.



He holds her hand and kissed it with love. All he wanted is to take her in his arms and stay like that forever. But now there is really short time in hand.  He looks up strait at her eyes " I'll be right back. ." It is a promise from him which she can see from his eyes and she smiles with tear in her eyes " I will only be here. . ."she answers his unasked question. He smiles and kisses her forehead and she whispers, " Go. . ."



 He parts smiling and goes to where Shipa is standing. He looks once more at Riddhima's direction and she blinks her eyes in assurance .He tells Shilpa " lets go ..". She nods and silently follows him with hesitation and apprehension thundering in her heart.



'I am sorry Shilpa , but I can't give u Armaan.. . .I know I am selfish  but Believe me, neither I  have that much courage like u nor have the power, It is never in my hands. I can't let him go till he wants me to . . .I can give u the world if u want, everything . .except this one person  . . . But believe me, I really do respect ur feelings towards him. . .I will always be grateful to u for what u have done for Armaan and me. . .U will always have a high place in my heart. . .The only thing that I can give u is this much time. .Pls speak up to him . . .let the dam broke for once  and set ur heart free. .. . .Only this much I can do for u . . .I believe u will forgive me someday. . .I am sorry." And tears freely starts to flow down her cheek .she looks up and notices Shilpa waving her hand form the door of airport. She smiles through her tears and waves back.. ' Good bye Shilpa. . .I am gonna miss u. . ."

 Roshni

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