Monday, 10 August 2020

part 1 : Khushiyon ka Intezaar

Dear Diary,

 I am twenty five years old, I have a satisfying job, my salary is enough for me to enjoy and have a comfortable life. Life is going pretty much ok but still I am searching for one question that is even after having a satisfying job few friends or rather just two best friends I am not happy why? Why happiness is not meant for me? Is it because I was the reason for my mother's death? My father Mr. shashank gupta a reputed doctor and head of sanjeevni  never talked much with me because
according to him I was the one who separated him with his wife. Sometimes I use to be jealous of my friends especially during the annual day or sports day or parents teacher meeting day because during these day's I use to find my friends being pampered by their parents and I, I use to stand in one corner and admire them use to wish/ pray to god that 'please papa ko bhej do'. But it seemed like God never wanted to see me happy that's why never heard my prayers. Whenever I use to come back home after these functions/ days I use to lock myself up in my bedroom and cry all night. In fact the day I use to cry next day God use to make me cry double.  If by chance I am happy and smiling for a day next day use to be the day of troubles which meant more crying. Over the years I understood that if I cry next day something bad would happen and like this I used to be prepared for the worst. If I am smiling or happy then next day something bad would happen so again I use to prepare myself for the worst. After a certain point of time I was confused because if I cry then something bad happens and if I smile or laugh then also something bad happens so what am I supposed to do? I can't cry neither can I laugh, that's when I became emotionless.

How ironical my life has become, people usually pray for happiness and here I pray I don't get happiness or sadness because after a certain point I couldn't bear anything. It was just too much for me. I didn't want to be happy or laugh neither wanted to cry. The only reason for my happiness is my friend's rahul and muskaan. They love each other and I can proudly say I ws the cupid between them. The only time I use to laugh and smile was with them because the day I realised happiness just brings sadness for me or tears I slowly and steadily started drifting away from happiness. I keep starring sky sometimes just to find the answers. I want to know will I ever be happy without fearing of something worst. Will I be able to cry without fearing of facing more tears? From last five years I haven't cried or laughed from heart. I try to keep myself away from all the fun but sometimes rahul and muskaan force me to come and enjoy with them.

Sometimes I feel my destiny wants to break me completely but I still have a small ray of hope somewhere in my heart that one day someone would come and tell me that I can laugh as much as I want nothing would happen, will wash away all my pains forever and ever. Pata hai diary papa has fixed my marriage with his friend's son and today I have to meet him. I am too nervous and scared. Is this the ray of hope which I am waiting for? I guess this is my last ray of hope. What if this last ray of hope also gets shattered? Will I be able to handle it? People say marriage brings happiness as it's a new start of your life, will this be a new start of my life as well?


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