Thursday, 13 August 2020

part 6 : Khushiyon ka Intezaar

During my entire car journey I didn't cry neither looked at armaan just kept starring outside the window. I don't know whether this new life would give or bring happiness in my life or not. But whatever happens I'll accept it, be it sadness only.

I hope the later doesn't happens, only happiness come but knowing God I know he wouldn't make it simple for me. I would have to walk the path of sadness and I guess I am not prepared for it.

I have seen enough of sadness and lost all hopes of happiness but I still hope my new life that is marriage brings only happiness. I don't know whether expecting happiness is right or wrong but I just wish it doesn't shatters like always.

Finally the car stopped in front of a huge mansion, the size of the mansion was same as my house or rather dad's house.

Since the end of my duppatta was still tied to armaan's chunnari I looked at him to ask from where should we get down. When I looked at him I saw him opening his side of door which meant I had to get down from his side only.

After coming out of the car we moved towards the door where ananya aunty and some other ladies were waiting for us. Ananya aunty did our aarti and then asked me to keep push the kalash which I gladly did it. then she asked me to keep my leg in the bowl which had red water I didn't know what it is called or why is it done because there was no one to tell me about these things all I know is that brides do it as its always shown in films and serials. After stepping in that bowl which contained red water I walked few steps and then ananya aunty guided me towards a room.

When I reached the room I realised it was the pooja ghar of the house. Ananya aunty then asked me to dip my hands in the thaal which has haldi and leave my hand prints on the wall. I did whatever she told me to do it and then we walked towards the God to take their blessings. I so wanted to say that he will never bless me instead give me more pains. But I had no option but to take God's blessing.

It's an irony people say if you take God's blessing happiness will always prevail in your life but seeing my history taking God's blessings means always sadness and troubles so I had left taking his blessings though on every birthday I do visit mandir pray for myself and do havan for mom. During festivals would do pooja but that was it other than these days I never take his blessings and on the day of my marriage which is a beginning of my new life I certainly don't want his blessings. But alas I had to take it.

After taking the blessings I was worried, I only want that nothing goes wrong. Hope atleast this time God listens to me. My thoughts were broken when ananya anuty brought a bowl and said that me and armaan had to find the ring. I have heard and seen in many films and serials that while finding the ring groom often holds the brides hand and everyone teases the couple.

I know nothing of this sort would happen because armaan and I hardly know each other to behave like this and even I had never imagined it to happen but I don't know why today I want it to happen. may be a part of my heart wanted it to happen ever since I had heard or seen it but I might have never paid attention to it.

We dipped our hands into the bowl and started finding the ring. Armaan didn't hold my hand instead he was trying his best that he doesn't touch my hand. Negative feelings were surrounding me once again but I still kept it aside and concentrated on searching the ring.
Finally the ring was found but not by me but by armaan. I smiled and everyone sheered for him. Winning and me? Well there has always been an inverse relationship but yeah sometimes exceptions have been there don't know how and why.

Thankfully there were no more rituals and ananya aunty took me to armaan's bedroom I believe or should I say to our bedroom.  She told me that a glass of milk is kept on the side of the bed and hearing that I was confused but then it struck me I have seen in some films how the wife gives a glass of milk to his husband on the first night of wedding.

I nodded my head though I still don't know why a glass of milk is given to the husband on the first night of their wedding. Ananya aunty smiled and left the room.Now all I had to do was to wait for my husband to arrive. I was still thinking of how to kill the time when suddenly I remembered that I had given ramu kaka some money to return it to dad.

By now papa must have reached home and ramu kaka would have given him the money. I am curious to know his reactions should I call ramu kaka and ask him? or should I wait till tomorrow morning for my pag phera?  Pag phera that reminds me I doubt pag phera would take place and even if it will take place I am sure papa will make some excuse of meeting and won't be at home.

I sighed; I better call and ask now because my curiousness won't stop until I come to know his reactions. I don't know why I want to know his reaction may be because to see does it affects him if I refuse to use his money and instead use mine. Does he feel bad or not

I quickly called ramu kaka on his cell and waited for him to pick it up. When he picked it up I quickly spoke "ramu kaka did you return the money to papa? Did he say anything? Did he reacted on it or asked why I didn't use it? Boliye na ramu kaka"

Instead of replying me back I heard him saying "bitiya kya aap khush ho". This was enough to break me tears started flowing down my cheeks. When I didn't say anything I heard him saying "bitiya miene apke paise saab ko de diye hain or unhone kuch nahiin kaha bas vo paise rakh liye. Bitiya jab aap aaj subha ghar se jaa rahi thi toh mien apse yeh pooch kar apka din kharab nahiin karna chahta tha per aap khush ho na iss shaadi se". this time I really had to reply otherwise ramu kaka will misunderstand my silence "hain". that's what came out of my mouth and then I wiped my tears. "aap hamesha aise hi khush rahe iski dua hum roz karenge" I smiled hearing it.

Before I could speak anything I heard the door being opened. So I quickly mumbled a bye and said would call later and kept the phone. My ghoongat was still there so I can't see who is it but I know it was armaan and I could hear his footsteps which means he was walking towards me. My breath got stuck in my throat. I felt his presence near me and I didn't know what to do or how to react.

"Riddhima I don't know why you agreed for this marriage but you shouldn't have agreed for it". This sentence was enough for me to know that my decision of taking God's blessing was wrong. I shouldn't have taken it at least things wouldn't have gone wrong. I knew happiness in my life is something never possible.

Anyways I kept quiet as I didn't know what to say and my silence must have given armaan a hint that I am shocked with this so he continued speaking "I know it must not be easy for you but I have to tell you this that I wasn't ready for the marriage but did it because of my mother's wish. Actually I loved a girl but my mother didn't like her and then suddenly my father and shashank uncle decided to merge their companies and for that our marriage was decided. I don't know if you know about this merger or not but I still wanted to tell you everything and I promise I will try to work this relationship. Hearing him I didn't know how to react.
Hearing him I didn't know how to react, tears had already welled up in my eyes but I didn't wanted to cry in front of him so I quietly stood up and walked towards the washroom.

I closed the door behind me and then stood in front of the mirror. I lifted my veil and looked at myself.
Slowly tears started flowing down from my eyes. I kept one of my hands on my mouth so that my noise doesn't go out. I closed my eyes tightly and hit my back with the wall behind and slid down on the floor. I cried over my fate.

 I always knew my life means no happiness then why, why did I even for once thought that this marriage will bring happiness in my life?

I looked towards the ceiling and talked with God as usual but this time without uttering any voice.

"mujhe pata tha pata tha ki aap kuch toh gadbad karoge hi. Pata hai bhagwaan mujhe bilkul bhi tajub nahiin hua balki mien hairaan toh tab hoti jab sab kuch theek chal raha hota. Per apko pata hai bhagwaan mien nahiin tootne wali hain kaha tha miene ki ab koi bhi gum milega toh mien toot jaongi lekin agar mien tooti toh yeh meri haar or apki jeet hogi toh phir mien apko kaise jeetne doo. Mien nahiin tootoongi or na hi haar manoongi apko jo karna hai kar li jiye jitna dukh dena hai de dijiye ab mujhe farak nahiin padta kyunki mujhe dukh sehne ki aadat ho chuki hai"

After talking to God I cried for few more minutes thinking where will my destiny take me? What is the future of this marriage?

 I remembered my childhood which was the best one though papa never talked or loved me then also but still I was totally unaware of the terms like happiness and sadness neither had tensions I use to be content if not fully happy.

Love and care two terms were unknown to me, whenever I use to see other children getting love of their father it always use to upset me. I used to be curious to know why papa behaves indifferently with me, wish I had never ever searched for truth.

Suddenly something struck in my mind. I stood up and washed my face. I plastered a smile on my face by now I was a master in this. Since childhood I have hided my tears and pains from everyone. My every tear and pain is hidden behind my fake smile.

I walked outside the washroom and saw armaan standing near the window starring at the sky. I mustered up some courage and walked towards him.

I stood behind him and said "armaan thank you for telling me the truth. Mujhe ab pata chala ki apne mujhse yeh kyun poocha tha ki do I belief in interfering  in others life or not, mujhe tab toh uska matlab samaj nahiin aya tha lekin ab zaroor aa gaya hai and I promiss I wont interfere in your life. Per mien chahti hoon ki jaane se se pehle mien apko apke pyaar se milwake jao"

 Hearing me armaan turned and asked "jaane se pehle matlab"

"iss rishte ki koi ahmiat nahiin hai armaan mien janti hoon apne kaha hai ki aap poori koshish karenge iss rishte ko nibhane ki lekin jab apka dil hi kissi or ke paas hai to iss rishte main aap chahkar bhi poori tarah se involve nahiin ho payenge"

 Hearing me armaan tried to interrupt me by saying "per"

But I interrupted him by asking "per ver kuch nahiin vo ladki toh apse pyaar karti hai na"

He replied "hain per"

"miene kaha na koi per ver nahiin aap divorce paper tyaar kar sakte hain jab ready ho jaye toh mujhe de dijiyega mien sign kar doongi or phir court six months saath rehne ko kahegi uske baad I'll leave per hain jane se pehle I'll unite you with your lover or aunty ko bhi mana loongi" Saying that I turned around and said "boht raat ho gayi hai ab hume so jana chahiye".

"hhmm ek minute" saying so he walked towards the bed, picked a pillow and a bed sheet and started making a bed on the floor.

Seeing him doing all this I said "aap yeh sab kyun kar rahe hain mien karloongi" He stopped doing whatever he was doing and looked at me with confusion and said "huh"

"apko takleef karne ki zaroorat nahiin hai mien bed bana loongi"

"lekin aap kyun mera bed banayngi aap toh bed pe so rahi hai"

"nahiin mien apke bed pe kaise so sakti hoon yeh apka ghar hai apka room or apka bed toh aap bed pe hi soiye mien neeche so jaongi waise bhi mujhe aadat hai"

"lekin aap bed pe so sakti hai mujhe koi problem nahiin hai neeche sone main"
"nahiin yeh apka room hai aap bachpan se iss bed pe so rahe hain its ok mien adjust kar loongi and yeah vo miene washroom use kiya aapka without taking your permission I am sorry for that next time aisa nahiin hoga"

 "aap sorry kyun bol rahi hain its ok aap kabhi bhi use kar sakti hain apko permission lene ki koi zaroorat nahiin hai "
I just smiled in return as I didn't want to continue the talk any further and my smile would mean that it's the end of the talk. I just walked towards the bed made on floor but then I realised something.

I looked at armaan and said "can I use your dressing table vo I have to remove my jewellery"

"yeah no problem" maybe he understood that I won't stop taking his permission for everything I do in his room and why should I not take permission it's his room and I am a guest here for few days or months and like a good guest I should take his permission for using things in his room.
Now I miss my room a lot I don't know if I'll ever be able to see my room or not because after leaving this house I doubt papa would like me to stay with him in that house and plus with the breaking of this marriage may be the merger too would break I hope not papa ko nuksaan nahiin hona chahiye that too because of me
I took out all the jewellery that I was wearing gosh I was wearing minimum jewellery but still after taking them out I feel lighter.  I then walked towards my two bags and opened one of them. I took out my jewellery box and went back towards the dressing table. I kept all my jewellery in the box and then kept the box back in my bag.
I took out a simple salwaar suit to wear for the night and turned towards armaan who was coming out of the washroom after changing into his night dress.
"Can I use the washroom" he looked at me and nodded his head in agreement.
After changing I came out and went straight towards my floor bed and sat on it. I was about to lie down when I heard him "can we be friends".
I smiled at him or rather at his luck few hours ago I had decided not to make new friends till I settle down in my new life and return back to my friend's rahul and msukaan. That reminds me now that I know I can't settle in my new life I can't go back to them as well. More than me they'll be hurt and I can't see them hurt because of me. Guess God has snatched away my best friends too.
"Agar apne kuch ghantey pehle bola hota toh shayad hum friends ban sakte the but ab miene friends banane chod diya hain"
"kya matlab kuch ghatne pehle" armaan asked after hearing me.
I smiled and said "kuch nahiin aap nahiin samjhenge"

"agar tum meri dost nahiin banna chahti toh tum mujhe help kyun kar rahi ho meri lover se milwane main"

"dosti se bada rishta insaaniyat ka hota hai or insaaniyat ke naate mujhe apko apki lover se milwana hai bas uske baad I promiss apki life se boht door chali jaongi anjane main bhi apke samne nahiin aaongi"

I looked at armaan and saw him lost in his own thoughts may be his thinking whether to continue the talk or not hope he chooses the later. After few minutes I saw him opening his mouth for speaking something.

"vaise mien yahan nahiin rehta actually mien kaam ki vajay se delhi ke bahar yani NCR main rehta hoon or kal hum ussi flat main shift ho jayenge vahan two rooms hai aap unme se ek main reh li jiyega"I smiled hearing this thankfully I wouldn't have to act like a perfect daughter in law or wife, atleast I would have my own space. I quickly mumbled a goodnight to armaan and lied down and closed my eyes. I felt the light being closed and then tears flowed from my eyes. After sometime I stood up and walked towards the attached balcony and slowly opened the door making sure no noise happens.

I looked towards the sky and said "mamma aaj apki kami boht mehsoos ho rahi hai aaj mien boht akeli hoon. Aaj se pehle kabhi mujhe kissi ki zaroorat mehsoos nahiin hui per today I wish I had a shoulder to cry on, someone assuring me ki sab theek ho jayega. Per mamma aap fikar mat karna apki beti boht strong hai koi ho ya nahiin ho mien khud ko sambhal loongi or hain aap bhagwaan ji se kuch mat kehna jis din mien unke paas jaongi na toh uss din poochoongi unse ki vo har baar mujhe dukh kyun dete hain. ek or baat aap papa se bhi naraz mat hona vo apse boht pyaar karte hain. acha mom ab aap so jaiye mien theek hoon"

After talking to mom I sat there for few more minutes thinking of how to face this new hurdle. I then mumbled to myself "riddhima tu boht strong hai or tu akeli nahiin hai jiski life main problems hai or bhi boht log hai jinki life main problem hongi atleast bhagwaan ne tujhe ek acha ghar, environment diya hai rehne ko kuch logo ko toh vo bhi nahiin milta toh mien toh khush naseeb hoon or mien itne dukh se nahiin darnewaali mien saamna karoongi or six months ke baad nayee zindagi shuru karoongi"

I kept staring towards the sky and let my tears flow from my eyes.  When I felt its going to be morning I went back to the room and slept.

After few hours I woke up and saw armaan was still sleeping. I didn't know what to do should I use the washroom what if he gets up and wants to get ready I toh don't even know his routine what if I might delay his routine. Should I wake him up? I guess mien jaldi se jaake fresh up ho jati hoon.

I tried my level best to be out as quick as possible and when I came out I saw armaan was sitting on his bed. So he was awake I hope I haven't disturbed his routine per mien toh fifteen minutes main bahar aagayi ek kaam karti hoon sorry bol deti hoon.

"uumm armaan I am sorry vo aap so rahe the toh miene socha mien jaldi se tyaar hokar aa jati hoon per I guess miene thoda time le liya vo I hope apka routine disturb nahiin hua kal se mien or jaldi uth jaya karoongi taki apko problem na ho" I said everything in one breath.

I found armaan staring at me so I looked down and waited for him to say something.

"its ok aap baar baar sorry mat boliye mien waise bhi roz iss time pe so raha hota hoon mien half an hour ke baad uthta hoon toh aap iss time pe ready ho sakti hain"

I smiled and walked outside the room as I didn't wanted to be in an awkward position. After coming out I recalled that yesterday night armaan had said that today we'll be leaving this house and go to another house but at what time I forgot to ask him. anyways he'll himself inform me when we have to leave.

I walked downstairs towards the kitchen to make some coffee as I was having a headache as I had slept late at night.

I was about to enter the kitchen when I heard ananya aunty "riddhima beta tum uth gayi". I turned towards her and smiled. "beta aaj tumhari kitchen pooja hai or uske baad mooh dikhai ki rasam and after that you will be leaving with armaan hope he has told you".

I smiled and nodded my head in agreement even though armaan hadn't told me about thse functions but still I couldn't let ananya aunty know about it.

I prepared the food as per ananya aunty's list and also made kheer for everyone. At time of breakfast everyone came and ate the food made by me. Everyone liked the dishes that I had prepared and that brought a genuine smile on my face but my happiness is never meant to remain for long.

When armaan praised the smile on my face vanished as reality struck me after that I just faked a smile and also throughout the entire function of mooh dikhai I was just acting that I am happy and smiling for the sake of showing people.

No one talked about the pag phere ki rasam which meant papa must have told them that he didn't want to come and pick me up.

May be ananya aunty had seen me thinking because she said "vo shashank bhaisaab called and said he had to leave for some urgent meeting outside the city so the pag phere ki rasam would be done later.

I just nodded my head because I know there is no meeting it's just an excuse because everytime he used to say this only whenever I had a parent teacher meeting or annual day or sports day. His excuse of not attending any function was meeting only whereas he would be very much present in the house. I sighed and plastered a fake smile again on my face.


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