Friday, 14 August 2020

part 7 : Khushiyon ka Intezaar

Armaan and I sat in the car and the journey towards the new house began. Before leaving the house I had hugged everyone but when I hugged ananya aunty I felt the warmth of a mother. but then my eyes fell on armaan and it reminded of the reality. I can't attach with her as, in few months I will be leaving armaan for ever and then I

The road on which we were driving has my house as well and I so wanted to stop there for few minutes. I wanted to see my room where I have spent my entire life and feel the presence of my mother. All these thoughts made my eyes moist. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the window.

After few seconds I heard armaan's voice "iss raste pe toh apka ghar hain na"

I looked at him and smilingly nodded my head. The smile was a fake one but since childhood no one has ever caught me.

How ironical life is people have time to pass comment on someone else's life when they feel that person has done something wrong but never have time to see a difference between a genuine smile and a fake smile, never have time to see the pain behind that smile.

"Mien janta hoon aap shashank uncle or apne ghar miss kar rahi hongi. Shashank uncle toh ghar pe nahiin honge but aap apna ghar bahar se dekh sakti thi" armaan said.

Hearing him I so wanted to say that papa is at home but he doesn't want to meet me or see me. Suddenly I realised that if we stop at my house or even pass my house armaan would come to know that papa lied about his meeting to them.

I was about to stop him when the car came to a halt and then when I looked around I saw we were infront of my house.

Suddenly the door on my side opened and I saw armaan standing there.  I gave a nervous smile and came out of the car. I wished that for once papa said truth and isn't at home.

"I think shashank uncle is at home" hearing armaan I closed my eyes tightly. "See his car is there and even the house is open".

I opened my eyes and looked towards the house and was shocked to see papa standing in the balcony and he was talking on the phone. I immediately looked at armaan and found him staring towards the balcony only.

"See uncle is there come lets meet him" armaan said and with that he started walking towards the door when I held armaan's hand stopping him from going further.  He looked at me with a confused face. I shook my head in 'no'.

"Armaan please don't go inside let's leave please" I left his hand and went and sat inside the car.

I was staring towards the balcony or rather staring at my papa when I heard the car starting and we left from there.  In the entire journey I was just looking outside the window and trying to control my tears, thankfully armaan didn't ask me anything.

Finally we reached to our new home oops it's not ours it's his and I'll be a guest for some months. We entered the house and I smiled seeing the house it was small but enough for two people to stay.

"vo wala karma apka hai aap vahan araam se reh sakti hai" armaan said and I smilingly nodded my head in 'ok'.

I was walking towards my bag when I heard armaan "may I help you".

I smiled at armaan and said "nahiin its ok I like doing my own work, I'll manage but thank you for asking"

I picked one of my suitcase and started walking towards the room when armaan asked "aap apne papa se kyun nahiin mili. Kya aap unse naraaz hain ki unhone aapko bataya nahiin ki vo ghar per hain? ho sakta hai ki unki meeting last moment pe cancel hui ho. kahiin aap iss shaadi ki sachai janakar unse gussa toh nahiin hai? apko unse mil lena chahiye tha"

This was the wrong time for armaan to ask me this question or explain me things because I was already, very emotionally disturbed.

"Naraaz or mien yeh haq mera nahiin hai or mila unse jaata hai jisse aapse milne ki ikcha ho" saying this I walked inside the room.

I kept the suitcase and then I realised what I said, I shouldn't have said anything. How did I let my emotions win?  I closed my eyes tightly in order to calm myself.

I slowly opened my eyes and walked back to the drawing room to bring my second bag.  I found armaan was still standing there with confused face may be my words left an impact on his mind.

I knew I am not in a stable position or mind to talk with him and clear things so I quietly picked my second bag when I heard him "kya matlab mien kuch samjha nahiin".

I gave him a forced smile and said "kuch cheese na hi samjhi jaye to behtar hai. Anyways thank you for the room and I promiss apko kabhi disturb nahiin karoongi apko ahsaas hi nahiin hoga ki mien yahan rehti bhi hoon bilkul pa"

I stopped realising what I was about to say. I am surely not in my stable mind I need to correct my mistake fast "mera matlab hai ki bilkul pata nahiin chalega"

I didn't know whether I cleared my mistake or not but I just left the place and went to the room as tears were on the verge of flowing down.I closed my room and went straight towards the pillow and hid my face in it and started crying making sure I don't make noise as armaan might hear it.

Whenever I have cried I had made sure no one sees me or hear me as I don't want people to give me sympathy. I don't need sympathy all I need is love which I know I'll never get. I have to live a life without love sometimes I wonder am I that bad?

What irony my life has become I have a decent job, nice home to live, people around me are nice but still no love. I can give up all of these if in return I would receive love. Since childhood I am waiting for love and I feel blessed to get it only in friendship all other relationship be it of father daughter, mother daughter, husband-wife, I failed to get love.

I don't know for how many hours I kept crying thinking over my fate because when armaan knocked on the door that's when I realised it was evening now.

I quickly wiped my tears and said "kuch kaam tha apko".

"Riddhima you haven't eaten anything since morning please eat something" armaan said with a concern voice. I smiled at his caring nature and in few seconds the smile vanished as well. 
After washing my face I opened the door and saw armaan was standing there. I didn't say anything and looked down hoping he would realise I don't wish to talk to him. May be armaan had realised that that's why he moved aside and I walked towards kitchen to make some food for myself though I didn't feel like eating but still I don't want armaan to worry for me so it's better if I eat something.

Before I could enter kitchen I heard armaan "riddhima khana tyaar hai miene order kar diya tha mujhe nahiin pata apko kya pasand hai toh miene normal pizza or burger order kar diya tha aap kha lijiye".

I still went inside the kitchen ignoring his words. I quickly made a coffee and a sandwich for myself. I don't know why but I felt armaan was standing at the entrance of the kitchen but I didn't dare to look behind I concentrated on making my coffee and sandwich.  After making a sandwich and coffee I came out of the kitchen. I saw armaan was sitting on the dining table with food already served in two plates.

Before going to my room I walked towards armaan and said "armaan apko meri chinta karne ki koi zaroorat nahiin hai mien apna khayal khud rakh sakti hoon. Anyways mien apne room main hi kha loongi apko meri yahan hone ki presence mehsoos nahiin hogi I promiss again bas aap mere baare main sochna band kar dijiye. Aap jo hamesha karte hain kariye its ok mien bahar nahiin aaongi room se" saying that I went inside the room and closed the door behind me.

Tears came out of my eyes, I was never rude but today I behaved rudely with armaan because I don't want armaan to come close to my heart because I know the future and after knowing also I don't want to be friendly with him and welcome another pain for myself.  Its better if I stay away from him and don't let him enter in my life.

After all the happenings in my life I don't feel like eating anything but still drank the coffee and ate the sandwich that I had made.

I stood near the window starring the sky while smiling. no thoughts were running in my mind I was just starring the sky. After starring the sky for few minutes I closed my eyes and wished something. After wishing something I opened my eyes and smiled again but this time my eyes were moist. I had tears in my eyes. I again closed my eyes this time tightly and let the tears flow from my eyes.

After few minutes I heard few voices, it seemed like few people had come. May be he called his friends. 'Friends' word reminded me of my own friends our masti, our dhamaal. No matter how much I used to stay away from fun but my two best friends never let me stay away, they use to pull me where ever fun was possible.

Now I am badly missing that fin. I want to be with my friends keep my head on their shoulder and cry my heart out. Till date I have never cried much on their shoulder neither spoke my heart only when I was extremely sad I use to talk to them otherwise I had always bottled up things inside me. But today I feel like crying on their shoulder and speak my heart to them.

But what an irony I can't go back to them because I know more than me they'll feel bad and guilty for not stopping this marriage, nor changing my decision. I can't see them feeling guilty so it's better I don't go in front of them nor contact them.  I have to let go off this friendship. I looked towards my mobile and smiled seeing it.

After few minutes I heard a knock on my door. I wiped my tears and went towards the door.

When I opened the door I saw armaan standing in the door and then I looked behind him I guess his friends were standing. I looked at armaan with questioning eyes I saw him smiling nvervously.

"vo mere friends aapse milna chahte hain" armaan said nervously.  I saw the pleading look on his face and then I smiled and nodded my head in agreement.

"aap two minutes wait kijiye mien abhi aati hoon" I said. he smiled while nodding his head in agreement and walked away.

After washing my face I came out and walked towards the drawing room. I was too hesitant to meet his friends don't know whether they will talk to me properly or not. But then armaan said they wanted to meet me may be they won't be rude to me. Moreover now I should realise that I am all alone I have no body to share my fears or feelings, it's me only who would have to take care of myself and face things. This reminded me of rahul and muskan who always use to say I can't take care of myself.

I stood at the start of the drawing room waiting for people to see me. Suddenly armaan turned towards me and he stopped laughing may be someone had cracked a joke that's why he was laughing. This is the first time I am seeing him laughing, atleast his friends were able to change his mood. He walked towards me and suddenly the gear of meeting his friends came back.

"Friends this is riddhima" armaan said. I smiled seeing his friends. All were smiling except one girl and seeing her I understood she must be the one who armaan loves.

"Hello" I whispered nervously. "Hey" everyone said and I smiled seeing them.

"Riddhima yeh atul hai or uski fianc anjali, yeh abhimanyu hai or uski girlfriend soon to be fianc nikki hai unn dono ki engagement hai thode din main" armaan introduced me to his friends and I smiled seeing both the couples.

The only girl who was not smiling when I came, I saw her looking at me with a forced smile suddenly the atmosphere became tensed, armaan had called her means everyone knows the truth of our marriage. I looked at armaan who was looking towards atul and both of them were gesturing something to each other through eyes.

I smiled and said "armaan apki pasand boht achi hai". Armaan and atul stopped gesturing each other and armaan looked at me with shocked expressions. I blinked my eyes conveying its ok.

I looked at the girl and said "hi aap boht lucky ho armaan really loves you and I promise apki love story adhoori nahiin rahegi. Apne jo sapne dekhe hain vo zaroor poore hongey unhe dekhna band mat kariyega. Or hain aap or armaan meri vajay se kafi dukh se guzre hongey I guess aap dono ko un gamo ko bhulne ki zaroorat hai. mujhe nahiin lagta mujhe yahan rehna chahiye aap sab log khulke baat nahiin kar payenge mien chalti hoon. It was nice meeting you all aap log enjoy kijiye".

Saying that I left the drawing room and came back to my room, I closed the door and slided down. I closed my eyes and tears were continuously flowing from my eyes. I had no control over them. It wasn't easy for me to say those words but still I had to be strong. I stood up and ran towards the bed and hid my face in the pillow and started crying. I was trying hard to control my voice I don't want anyone to hear my crying and think I am week.

I suddenly ran towards the window and looked towards the sky and said "mien kamzor nahiin hoon or na hi tootne wali hoon aap kitni bhi koshish karle bhagwaan".

I smiled and said "mamma aap fikar mat karo mien theek hoon I am a strong girl hain na". After assuring mom or rather myself I sighed and thought what next.


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